Update on 'validation' progress

So, I've been sick for the past month. Two weeks of flu, one week of a cold, then one week of getting over a sinus infection. Needless to say, I am very grateful for antibiotics right now.

While sick, I had time to contemplate concerning what I am posting now, but I also believe that those contemplations were just the beginning of many internal revelations and reframings I have enjoyed over the past few weeks.

My post before last was about learning to validate people - myself, my loved ones - heck, anybody I came in contact with. I'd like to update the reader on how this little experiment has been going. As Dr. Phil would say, 'How's that workin' for ya?'

Well, let me say this: learning new habits, even and perhaps especially habits of the mind and heart, is HARD. This new habit is coming rather slowly, but then, what did I expect?

It's hard to validate folks when one is stressed or anxious. And I'll be honest, I've been a bit stressed or anxious about being ill (now I am speaking of my other illness, not the flu/cold/sinus infection of the past month). So, even if nothing else stressful were going on in my life, that right there is enough to keep me anxious. See the problem here, folks?

As much as I would like to say I am improving in validating others, a lot of my insights on how to specifically do that are coming after the fact. They say experience is the best teacher? Well, 'they' ain't kidding.

I've come to realize that maybe I need to validate myself in times of peace as well as in times of anxiety or stress. Practice seems indeed what will help me develop this habit on a more consistent basis. So, I'm just going to say, "I'm proud of myself for even trying to accomplish this habit, and it's okay if it takes me awhile." There, I validated myself. Don't we all feel better? ;-)

Seriously, a few quotes and thoughts seem to be helping me in wrapping my brain around this concept of validating myself and others. I'd like to take this opportunity to share them. They are, in my view, quite simple, really. But aren't simple things so often the best?

Reframing is what many psychologists and social scientists call such a major shift in thinking. One of my 'reframing thoughts' came from my DH. He had been reading a book - I don't recall the title, and I won't go look for it now, as he said the majority of the book isn't so life altering. But, he did come across a phrase in a paragraph which really struck him. That phrase was to 'live loved.' As in, living your life as a valued and loved individual. I've been thinking a lot about this phrase. I believe this simple, two-word phrase has powerful implications. I've already begun to start my day with it, and I find it guides me in choosing healthful things to do as I contemplate what living loved would look like. As the day progresses, and as negative thoughts about myself or others creep into my brain, I repeat this phrase - 'live loved' - and I find it tenderly affecting those negative thoughts, changing them into more productive ones. At it's root, this phrase is helping me to develop and practice compassion.

Sometimes my negative thoughts come in the form of judgmental thoughts, both towards myself (no big surprise there - see above) and towards others (not such a big surprise to my husband and kids.) Mother Theresa said, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." I realize I've been giving away quite a bit of my capacity to love others because of those automatic and sometimes judgmental thoughts that pop into my brain, often unbidden, but, there they are still the same.

So, what do I replace these judgmental thoughts with? The mind is not a vacuum, and mine especially seems to crave a replacement thought to guide my subsequent actions. I believe the answer lies, in part, in demonstrating validation through expressing empathy. But I'll save this discussion for my next post.