Today, I am just writing. No great messages, no epiphanies, no trying to fix things ...
It's been a very busy week. I went straight from survival to rejuvenation, with very little disillusionment in between. Okay, there was some disillusionment, but nothing a little honesty couldn't improve.
I forget to be honest, with myself and with others. But as the dear fellow, John Astin, used to say on Night Court, I'm getting better all the time. The rejuvenation was due, in part, to the muscle relaxers darling doctor prescribed. Thank you, dear doctor.
Wedding plans continue to move forward. I can't believe said event will actually be happening -- my daugher is getting married!! -- and I think of her entering entering this new and strange land. Though to be honest, I think she'll navigate the landscape far better than I ever did. She is quick and honest, and her fiance is patient and loving. Not a bad combination.
So, tonight in between typing up my observation schedule for work and sending back comments on student assignments, I'll be making an invitation list because the wedding announcements need to go out THIS WEEK or we'll be in deep doodoo as bridal etiquette says invitations should go out 4-6 weeks before the wedding and we are cutting it awfully close.
Oh, and I made cookies Friday, which I hardly ever do anymore. But I figured the last son left at home deserved some semblance of a mother being a mom, beyond "Have you done your chores?"
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
today
Phrase said to me while I was out running errands earlier this evening:
"Challenge is good for us."
I was not in the mood for that one. But, there is nothing like a good book, and while picking up a few books at the library for DH, I picked up one for myself: Teacher Man, by Frank McCourt. I just read the prologue while sitting at our kitchen bar eating dinner. I am already hooked, and may not even need that piece of chocolate for dessert.
"Challenge is good for us."
I was not in the mood for that one. But, there is nothing like a good book, and while picking up a few books at the library for DH, I picked up one for myself: Teacher Man, by Frank McCourt. I just read the prologue while sitting at our kitchen bar eating dinner. I am already hooked, and may not even need that piece of chocolate for dessert.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
shifting
The other day nearly took it out of me. I didn't experience quite the sense of being lost I have felt in the past, but I also didn't fall asleep until 1 a.m. because my thoughts just bounced around in my head from one issue to the next. Will DS forgive me? Will DH get work? Will I ever get this house decluttered? Will DD get well? Will my students understand that I shouldn't have had so many guest speakers at the start of the semester because that didn't leave us enough time to discuss other issues important to them? And on, and on, and on ....
Not being able to fall asleep that night, I graded student work from 11:30 - 1 a.m., which probably wasn't the best method to relax, but at least I was getting something done. Maybe I should have reflected in my teaching journal instead. Maybe a brain dump rather than distraction is just what was needed. I'll have to try that next time.
Anyway, the next morning I woke up, feeling tired, feeling beaten. NO, feeling beat up. And I knew exactly who was doing most of the beating. But how to stop this incessant self chatter? I'd been doing deep breathing exercises, I'd been telling myself, "Hey, you're lovable," I'd been patting myself on the back for every little thing I got done (well, trying to ... the other voice, not necessarily louder but definitely more habitual, says, "Hey, you should have done this! And look at all you still have to do!" Blah, blah, blah ...). I was attempting all the right things except making it to the gym!
I tried to remember, how did I get better before? Lying in bed before starting the day, I attempted to remind myself that I wasn't going to snap out of this just like that. With my previous mini-breakdown, I think it was about two months before peace became more of a constant companion than misery. Could I experience that shift again? But I had to ...
Then, standing in the shower, it came. A flash of normalcy -- just for a second, but definitely there.
It came as I procrastinated just a few more minutes in the shower, reluctant to leave the pleasant cocoon of warm water enveloping me as it ran downward from my neck to my toes. I was mentally making a list of everything I had to do that day. So much to accomplish! How could I go on? I dreaded turning off the water to begin my impossible day. And then, for some reason - don't ask me why - I had the thought, "Think of your list differently." A friend of mine calls her 'to do' list her PODA -- parade of daily adventures. So, the thought came, and with it an even shorter than momentary sense of relief. Perhaps there is hope.
Not being able to fall asleep that night, I graded student work from 11:30 - 1 a.m., which probably wasn't the best method to relax, but at least I was getting something done. Maybe I should have reflected in my teaching journal instead. Maybe a brain dump rather than distraction is just what was needed. I'll have to try that next time.
Anyway, the next morning I woke up, feeling tired, feeling beaten. NO, feeling beat up. And I knew exactly who was doing most of the beating. But how to stop this incessant self chatter? I'd been doing deep breathing exercises, I'd been telling myself, "Hey, you're lovable," I'd been patting myself on the back for every little thing I got done (well, trying to ... the other voice, not necessarily louder but definitely more habitual, says, "Hey, you should have done this! And look at all you still have to do!" Blah, blah, blah ...). I was attempting all the right things except making it to the gym!
I tried to remember, how did I get better before? Lying in bed before starting the day, I attempted to remind myself that I wasn't going to snap out of this just like that. With my previous mini-breakdown, I think it was about two months before peace became more of a constant companion than misery. Could I experience that shift again? But I had to ...
Then, standing in the shower, it came. A flash of normalcy -- just for a second, but definitely there.
It came as I procrastinated just a few more minutes in the shower, reluctant to leave the pleasant cocoon of warm water enveloping me as it ran downward from my neck to my toes. I was mentally making a list of everything I had to do that day. So much to accomplish! How could I go on? I dreaded turning off the water to begin my impossible day. And then, for some reason - don't ask me why - I had the thought, "Think of your list differently." A friend of mine calls her 'to do' list her PODA -- parade of daily adventures. So, the thought came, and with it an even shorter than momentary sense of relief. Perhaps there is hope.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Shattered
If you can't guess by the title of this post, the peace is gone. At least, for now.
"It" is back. I woke up today and knew I would have to live 15 minutes at a time, just like before. Because I can't see beyond the next 15 minutes -- not what to do, or what to feel, or ...
My sense of self feels shattered, in so many pieces. I don't even know where to look to pick the pieces up, or what they even look like, much less how to put them back together.
So, I got up today, made a reasonable to-do list, and then began my day. I will admit I am strictly on auto-pilot.
Dr. Gordon, in his text Unstuck, says that symptoms like mine signal the need for a change. DUH. But what space is there for personal change when DH is about to lose his job, and DD is about to get married, and x number of students depend on me to be prepared as they continue moving toward professional licensure, and .... ?
"It" is back. I woke up today and knew I would have to live 15 minutes at a time, just like before. Because I can't see beyond the next 15 minutes -- not what to do, or what to feel, or ...
My sense of self feels shattered, in so many pieces. I don't even know where to look to pick the pieces up, or what they even look like, much less how to put them back together.
So, I got up today, made a reasonable to-do list, and then began my day. I will admit I am strictly on auto-pilot.
Dr. Gordon, in his text Unstuck, says that symptoms like mine signal the need for a change. DUH. But what space is there for personal change when DH is about to lose his job, and DD is about to get married, and x number of students depend on me to be prepared as they continue moving toward professional licensure, and .... ?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
List #4: What's that?
Okay, folks, another list. Woohoo!
List #4: List the places you go in your mind when you want some peace and quiet.
LOL -- peace and quiet? Really? What's that?
Okay, I actually have quite a bit of peace and quiet in my life right now, now that I have only one child left in high school, and at 17, he's not really anxious for me to be a big part of his life or to be a big part of mine, unless a sunny beach or copious amounts of good food are involved. And even then, it's a stretch.
But, there have been times in the past when I've needed lots of help finding peace and quiet, and there are even times now, especially when I am concerned about work or my children, that peace is about the best gift someone could give me.
So where would I go in my mind? Well, here, I'll show you:
Here's more:
Don't you just love that last photo? We swam with sea turles while snorkling in that exact spot. Talk about peaceful. It is truly amazing to swim with a creature that could be a hundred years old.
These photos were taken at Hapuna Beach on the big island of Hawaii. The hotel at this beach is something else. We would wake every morning to the music of island birds in our ears. Each night on the lobby deck overlooking the beach, a hula dancer would gently tell her stories, moving seamlessly to the ukelele and Hawaiian singing in the background. Ocean waves lulled us to sleep every night.
Can you tell I can't wait to go back sometime? Hawaii is one of the most peaceful places I have ever been. I'm sure it would be somewhat different to live there, but I have a feeling the peace and quiet could still be found.
There are other places I go in my mind for peace and quiet, but I'll save those for the next post.
List #4: List the places you go in your mind when you want some peace and quiet.
LOL -- peace and quiet? Really? What's that?
Okay, I actually have quite a bit of peace and quiet in my life right now, now that I have only one child left in high school, and at 17, he's not really anxious for me to be a big part of his life or to be a big part of mine, unless a sunny beach or copious amounts of good food are involved. And even then, it's a stretch.
But, there have been times in the past when I've needed lots of help finding peace and quiet, and there are even times now, especially when I am concerned about work or my children, that peace is about the best gift someone could give me.
So where would I go in my mind? Well, here, I'll show you:
Here's more:
Don't you just love that last photo? We swam with sea turles while snorkling in that exact spot. Talk about peaceful. It is truly amazing to swim with a creature that could be a hundred years old.
These photos were taken at Hapuna Beach on the big island of Hawaii. The hotel at this beach is something else. We would wake every morning to the music of island birds in our ears. Each night on the lobby deck overlooking the beach, a hula dancer would gently tell her stories, moving seamlessly to the ukelele and Hawaiian singing in the background. Ocean waves lulled us to sleep every night.
Can you tell I can't wait to go back sometime? Hawaii is one of the most peaceful places I have ever been. I'm sure it would be somewhat different to live there, but I have a feeling the peace and quiet could still be found.
There are other places I go in my mind for peace and quiet, but I'll save those for the next post.
Friday, January 1, 2010
List #3: it's good to be me
It seems fitting to start out the new year full of 'hope' by acknowledging some of my strengths. So, here is a variation on that theme with today's list:
List #3: List the compliments you receive on a regular basis.
1. That I am pretty ...
Okay, this one used to bother me. Not a ton, because who doesn't like being told they look nice, right? But, on one level, it did bother me because I really didn't have anything to do with how my looks turned out -- that credit goes to the gene factory. And on another level, it bothered me because it seemed a rather superficial compliment to receive. Also,does this mean some women are not pretty? Oooooh, that really goes against me big time! I think every person is beautiful and unique and oh, so interesting. BUT, I have come to peace with merely saying 'thank you' and moving on. Oh, and now that I am getting older, I don't hear it quite so often, LOL.
2. That I am smart.
I'll take this one ;-). Yeah, I graduated valedictorian -- gotta brag about it someplace, eh, so why not here? But I always envied folks who had common sense, something I have been a bit short of most of my life. I think I'm finally getting some balance between the two.
3. That I make good comments in Sunday school.
I think this one is related to #2, but hopefully in a spiritually common sense way and not in a 'Oh, she knows so much about the scriptures way' which could never be true because of my NOT amazing memory.
4. That I am calm.
Hahahahahahahahaha ..... this one always makes me laugh inside to the point of pick me up off of the floor, if you only knew, hahahaha! Let me just say four words: NO I AM NOT. For a calm person, I have quite the temper when I am feeling off-kilter. But I will admit, I'm not a big drama queen OVER MOST THINGS BESIDES THE HOUSE. (That one is for my husband and children.) Could be, but prefer, in my ideal life, not to be. I think Jennifer Garner said it best, and I do wish I could live life this way all the time, "I prefer to be dumb and happy." And by dumb, I don't mean not smart (see #2 above) but dumb as in not spending too much time worrying about DUMB things that don't really matter, which to me is the essence of having LOTS of common sense.
List #3: List the compliments you receive on a regular basis.
1. That I am pretty ...
Okay, this one used to bother me. Not a ton, because who doesn't like being told they look nice, right? But, on one level, it did bother me because I really didn't have anything to do with how my looks turned out -- that credit goes to the gene factory. And on another level, it bothered me because it seemed a rather superficial compliment to receive. Also,does this mean some women are not pretty? Oooooh, that really goes against me big time! I think every person is beautiful and unique and oh, so interesting. BUT, I have come to peace with merely saying 'thank you' and moving on. Oh, and now that I am getting older, I don't hear it quite so often, LOL.
2. That I am smart.
I'll take this one ;-). Yeah, I graduated valedictorian -- gotta brag about it someplace, eh, so why not here? But I always envied folks who had common sense, something I have been a bit short of most of my life. I think I'm finally getting some balance between the two.
3. That I make good comments in Sunday school.
I think this one is related to #2, but hopefully in a spiritually common sense way and not in a 'Oh, she knows so much about the scriptures way' which could never be true because of my NOT amazing memory.
4. That I am calm.
Hahahahahahahahaha ..... this one always makes me laugh inside to the point of pick me up off of the floor, if you only knew, hahahaha! Let me just say four words: NO I AM NOT. For a calm person, I have quite the temper when I am feeling off-kilter. But I will admit, I'm not a big drama queen OVER MOST THINGS BESIDES THE HOUSE. (That one is for my husband and children.) Could be, but prefer, in my ideal life, not to be. I think Jennifer Garner said it best, and I do wish I could live life this way all the time, "I prefer to be dumb and happy." And by dumb, I don't mean not smart (see #2 above) but dumb as in not spending too much time worrying about DUMB things that don't really matter, which to me is the essence of having LOTS of common sense.
Hope
Well, here it is New Year's Day. DH is taking a nap before we head out to see DS, 23, and other ds, 17, just woke up (yes, it's 2 in the afternoon!) and is enjoying his mancave time downstairs. Me, I probably could take a nap but decided to log on instead.
I think I have been the recipient of several God-breezes lately (thank you, flylady -- see flylady.net) that all came together today. For some reason, the concept of 'hope' has been on my mind. I've been thinking about its role in our lives, and how just a change of perspective from despair (the absence of hope) to one of hopefulness can change EVERYTHING. And then someone anonymously sent me a silver star ornament in the mail yesterday with the word 'hope' engraved on it. And then, DH played this video for me today and I was all like, 'What is going on here?' Click on the link below and let's just say, I LOVE IT. I need to watch this every morning and probably several times throughout the day until it becomes a part of me.
I love this video for several reasons, but the most important one has to do with the truth - one that is easy to forget - of how our mindset can affect our actions and thus, my life and the lives of others. When I am in despair, I am predisposed to act a certain way both towards myself and towards others, and I have no doubt that my actions when I am in this place do not help anyone, including me. In essence, my actions keep me stuck in an unhelpful place. But when I have hope, I DO act differently, and in many ways I am an entirely different person -- or perhaps I am able to access the best part of myself, who I truly am and want to be. The amazing truth is that it is precisely these different, hopeful actions which have the power to bring about the change I seek or the change that is needed.
I think I have been the recipient of several God-breezes lately (thank you, flylady -- see flylady.net) that all came together today. For some reason, the concept of 'hope' has been on my mind. I've been thinking about its role in our lives, and how just a change of perspective from despair (the absence of hope) to one of hopefulness can change EVERYTHING. And then someone anonymously sent me a silver star ornament in the mail yesterday with the word 'hope' engraved on it. And then, DH played this video for me today and I was all like, 'What is going on here?' Click on the link below and let's just say, I LOVE IT. I need to watch this every morning and probably several times throughout the day until it becomes a part of me.
I love this video for several reasons, but the most important one has to do with the truth - one that is easy to forget - of how our mindset can affect our actions and thus, my life and the lives of others. When I am in despair, I am predisposed to act a certain way both towards myself and towards others, and I have no doubt that my actions when I am in this place do not help anyone, including me. In essence, my actions keep me stuck in an unhelpful place. But when I have hope, I DO act differently, and in many ways I am an entirely different person -- or perhaps I am able to access the best part of myself, who I truly am and want to be. The amazing truth is that it is precisely these different, hopeful actions which have the power to bring about the change I seek or the change that is needed.
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