Choices

Tonight has been pleasant. Let me rephrase that, today has been pleasant. I still struggle with waking up and realizing that I do NOT have to rush through the day. I've become so used to carrying around the weight of my previous life that it's hard to believe it's changed ... at least for now. I wonder how long it will be before the ghost pains cease.

So what does a pleasant day look like? Getting up 10 minutes or so before DS needs the shower. Having time to eat a bowl of cereal with him before he leaves for school. Having time to take him his gym shorts he forgot for his yoga class 2nd period. Being able to answer a call from DD just because I CAN. Eating a good lunch while reading FB postings. Taking DS to renew his driver license and not even minding the wait in the DMV. Going to the gym with other DS. Coming home and having time to talk with a long-distance friend for an hour. Sitting down to dinner with the fam, asking DH about his day and the project he is working on. Then realizing that for the rest of the night, I can read, or write, or watch TV if I want to just because I WANT TO.

How I Feel

I think Bilbo Baggins said it best:

"I'm old ... I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to."
The Lord of the Rings

It is very difficult to know how to value myself at this time, especially when I've forgotten who my real self is. She's buried around here somewhere, and I'm sure, as I clean house, I WILL find her.

Marla Cilley, aka 'the Flylady' at flylady.net, says it took her 9 months to declutter her home. She said that nine months was like giving birth to a new person -- HER.

For today and the rest of this week ... and maybe, for now, that is enough ... one of my guides recently said to me, "I want you to remind yourself that it is not your responsibility 'to fix' other people's problems. We don't really fix anyone anyway. People fix themselves." A good reminder to trust myself and others, and not expend energy where I don't need to, that's for sure.

So, I will continue to work on getting myself better. What I'd like to expend my energy on is exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep, and getting into a routine. I find myself easily distracted and being forgetful, horrendously so! Yes, I do feel old.

No Goals for Now

Like most folks around this time of year, I've been thinking about goals lately. Actually, I'm not sure that I like the word 'goal.' It has so many negative connotations, like if I don't reach it, then somehow I have failed. Ugh!

No, actually what I am doing -- (I started to write 'trying to do,' but as we attract what we think, I am going to write as if there is no doubt I am going to accomplish it. Why not?) -- ahem, what I am doing is establishing some productive habits. My habit for January was to clean my kitchen completely every evening as soon as dinner was over, re not waiting until midnight or the next morning to even finish loading the dishwasher (like no one else ever does that, but stay with me). I want to wake up each day ready to greet the day, and a clean kitchen certainly goes a long way in aiding that mindset.

Anyhow, I am happy to report, I've done pretty well in working on this habit! I've only missed a few nights this past month, and I've also noticed I am better about keeping it clean during the day. Woohoo! I am secretly hoping my grown sons living at home will pick up on this habit as they see me doing it, but hey, I'm not holding my breath on that one. Their dishes do tend to generally make it to the kitchen sink -- okay, EVENTUALLY make it to the sink -- and for that I am grateful ;-). Hey, the dishwasher is only 12 more inches to one side! Hope springs eternal.

So, I've been thinking about what my habit for February might be. I've got lots I could focus on -- reading my scriptures everyday, making it to the gym every morning, laying out my clothes the night before, drinking more water. And those are all wonderful things that I will incorporate. But I've decided to focus on something more fundamental, and perhaps at the heart of any other habits I might wish to develop. It is based on something I read the other night:

"We value our basic package of who we are simply because we breathe. Self esteem has nothing to do with achieving or producing or even becoming. Rather it is that all encompassing sensation of feeling acceptable, capable, and most of all -- lovable, simply because we breathe. It has everything to do with accepting ourselves and appreciating who we innately are. The optimum motive of service begins by serving ourselves. We must have genuine compassion for the personality we bring with us at birth." Taylor Hartman, The Character Code

I am going to work on VALUIING MYSELF. Why? Well, apart from the obvious fact that I want to - who wouldn't? - is my firm sense that anything else I do will be meaningless or transient if I don't. Taylor goes on to say:

"Self-esteem is not just words, or even actions. It is an attitude: one that says I have worth simply because I am a human being; simply because I breathe and am alive. People with self-value, accept themselves. They don't expect."

Now, I might argue that there is a symbiotic relationship between actions and attitude. If I am feeling low, I know I can turn on music, and as certain music helps my heart sing, then it can't help but affect my attitude. But that is not the main point here. The habit I want to develop is to stop being the 'fixer,' and that includes always trying to fix MYSELF.

A wise friend, one of my guides in life, said that identity is like a house on stilts. When we remove one of the stilts, such as a role we have inhabited for quite some time, and go to replace it with something else, we can feel quite unbalanced or off-kilter until the new stilt is built, or put into place. Part of the material I am using for the new stilt is self-validation. And while I'm at it, I can work on validating others as well. Won't people around me love that! My family won't know what hit them.

I know it won't be easy. My self-critical (and other-critical) thought patterns have had 46 years of practice. THEY ARE GOOD AT IT. They won't give up without a fight. Well, neither will I. I'm going to spend a little time, perhaps 3 times a day, breathing, and with each breath, reminding myself I have value simply because I breathe. I can adore myself for no apparent reason. This is going to be good, and maybe even a bit fun. If nothing else, it will be an adventure.

Transition

I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Wait, that's not true. I AM ready for this, I'm just a little afraid of the change it will mean for us.

I have not been a stay-at-home mom for a long time, nearly 12 years. I think I've done this working-mom thing a little backward. Most women would probably choose to stay home when their kids were little, then work once their kiddies began leaving home. I began working/attending school when my youngest was in kindergarten. Now he is 18, a senior in high school, and I have been forced, by my health, to take a break from work.

But I'm not unhappy about it. I think it took my body screaming at me to do this because my silly stubborn brain wouldn't accept that it was okay for me to slow down, even necessary for me to do so. Everyone tells you, "Take care of yourself." Well, that is what I am doing. I am taking care of myself, because if I don't, I won't be any good to anyone. I know that.

Years ago, a wise friend said, "Make your home a haven for your husband." As a young bride, I must admit, I bristled a bit at that. I thought, "What about me? Why do I have to do all the work at home?" Now that I have been out in the working world, I realize and appreciate so much the diversity of our roles. I am looking forward to making our home a haven for both of us, and for our children.

Sheri Dew wrote, "We may not be the first generation of sisters to be influenced by the world, but we have got to be the last. We've just got to be the last. It is high time for us to arise and have the influence God intended us to have. It is high time for us to lead the women of the world. It is high time for us to model the distinctiveness and happiness that set true followers of Jesus Christ apart."

I don't know much about being a 'leader of the women of the world,' but I am happy to lead in my own little sphere, if leading means being true to our hearts and homes. I expect that will look different for different women. But for all of us, we can follow inspiration to know what is best for ourselves and our families. And that is what I am doing. The adventure begins ...

A difficult one to answer

Another one: List the situations that always make you cry.

I don't cry easily. Maybe that's because I spent so much time crying in jr. high school that I got it all out then ... maybe. Or maybe it's because I try to have a positive outlook on life and crying just doesn't seem to jive with that, so I don't let myself cry. Take your pick.

But there are a few situations that always make me cry, besides watching the ending to "Mary Poppins" with Julie Andrews.

I cry when I realize I've hurt people, and that there is nothing I can do to make it better or take the hurt back. But then, besides sociopaths, of course, doesn't everybody cry when they realize that?

You know, I really can't think of something else that makes me cry. Oh, wait ... I just did. Loss. Loss makes me cry, though as a matter of course the tears will not hit me until days or even weeks after the event. And then usually only when I am alone.

I cry for my children sometimes, but then, what mother doesn't?

I sometimes cry when I am afraid or uncertain, but more often than not I just feel afraid or uncertain and want to cry.

I guess that's about it. I really don't cry easily, do I?

new things around here

So, yes, it has been nearly an entire summer and I have not written a word. Not one. And there is a reason for this: because I have been a complete slug for over two months. Okay, not a complete slug - I did manage to get to the gym, keep the laundry done, and occasionally cook dinner. But other than that, I have done very little. All those home improvement projects I was going to accomplish like cleaning out the garage and basement and painting the rest of the rooms in my house? I have done Nada. Zilch. NOTHING.

I'm trying to remember where all the time went. Oh, yeah ... facebook. And researching new cars. Here is what we got:




Isn't it pretty? I can't wait to take it down to southern Utah. CAN'T WAIT.

Another list

List all the things you've made or built by hand:

Not much.

No, really. I am NOT a particularly handy person. I am more into maintenance, as in cleaning. Now, that I can do. My bathroom is pretty spotless -- ALL THE TIME. I also like mowing the lawn. It's such a feeling of satisfaction to get something in order where the effect lasts more than 2 hours. Ironing is also pleasant, especially during General Conference.

But put something together? Hmmm ... I've just recently learned in a more concrete way than I knew before that I'm not a process-oriented person (vs. being a results-oriented person), so maybe that explains why I little enjoy making or building practically anything.

BUT, I have made or built a few things, so I will list them here:

1. SANTAS! I painted some AWESOME Santa Claus figures that I put out every Christmas. Granted, I didn't do this on my own -- I attended a RS class where everyone was painting them -- but I did do the work and I am proud of it.

2. THE DRESS: I sewed an awesome dress for DD when she was about 9. It was beautiful, with a tulle underskirt sewn in to make the dress nice and poofy - just like a princess would wear. DD only wore it once, as she said the dress was itchy (gee, could that have been due to the tulle rubbing against her little legs?), so I let a neighbor borrow the dress for her daughter. I then promptly forgot about the dress until about 5 years later. When I asked said neighbor if she still had it, she said she had given it away to a family member. I am sad we don't have that dress to pass down in the family.

3. CURTAINS: I made most of the curtains in our old house, as well as a shower curtain and sink skirt. And all because my darling brother-in-law, who is a designer, told me, "You can do it." And I did. I've never forgotten the power of those words on me.

I think that's about it. I'm sure I could think of more if I sat here long enough, but it's time to go mow the lawn.