New Year's Day Musings for 2013

It's that time. A time of reflection. A time of setting goals. New Year's Resolutions, we call them.

I like to think instead in terms of establishing habits. Not that I don't find goals extremely useful. But habits, to me, establish a way of being. I think these quotes will be far more eloquent than I could ever be in describing the process I mean:

1. Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do. -Shaquille ONeal

2. First we make our habits, then our habits make us. -Charles C. Noble5.

3. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit ... Quality is not an act, it is a habit. -Aristotle

4. Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going. -Jim Rohn

I like all of these quotes for different reasons. But at the heart of each is the symbiotic relationship between being and doing. What we do shapes us - our being - just as the desire to be something can shape our actions - the doing.

This past year, I had the opportunity to share a week with a dear, life-long friend. The kind of friend that during conversations the synapses in the brain can hardly keep up with the pace of the ideas. Well, he brought a wonderful notion to my attention. He said, "Ponder the sentence, 'I choose to be effective at (fill in the blank.)'" Wow. I was hooked.

Then he moved to the question of, IF I am effective at (fill in the blank), what is in the room with me?

Metaphorical to be sure, but then, that is how I roll much of the time. I wear my English minor proudly ;-). Basically, it means, how would I think, feel, and do?

I pondered these questions more deeply while flying home from that trip. It was nice to pull out my little purse-sized notebook and let the thoughts just come. I'd like to share a bit of what I wrote, by way of example, for how this process might look. If it sounds a bit, well, metaphorical. Or esoteric. I can be guilty of both.

Phase One: "I choose to be effective at ______." Hmmm, what did I wish to be effective at? What did I want more of in my life? To greet each day new, without being weighed down by the past, a lifetime of memories crowding in on me, threatening to intrude. To greet relationships in the same way.

I wanted to be more effective at staying in the moment. No, I wanted to be more effective at trusting the moment. Allowing time for feasting on each precious second, and allowing for play. Doing more with friends and family.

Being myself without judging myself. Trusting myself to know when judgment is necessary and useful.

"I choose to be effective at" acting in and from the repository of everyone's goodness, including my own. (Already I could see myself getting outside myself more with this one ...) I desired the freedom to speak my truth, speaking as I chose. Not being pulled back into a lifetime of ways of being that were less than effective. Less than effective than what? I wasn't sure. Remember, this was all stream of consciousness. The flow continued.

Not being less than. No one being less than.
Using my boldness to connect and uplift. No fear.

"I choose to be effective at" ... not caring what other people think.

Bam. That was it. That was the phrase I wanted to work with.

Phase Two: If I felt effective at not caring what other people thought of me, then what was in the room with me?

Laughter. Music. Silence.

Banter. Fewer boundaries, because I don't need them. (Oh, wow, that last one hit me like a ton of bricks. As a recovering codependent, I've been counseled the importance of boundaries. But somehow, these boundaries were of a different color.)

What else was in the room with me?

Me.
Enough.
Others doing. Me asking. Me listening.
Being okay with being separate from others, but still interactive.

Free gifts being given, such as spontaneity, hugs, touching. And on and on ...

So, I return to the beginning. This notion of ways of being and habits. I'd like to practice this habitual thought pattern, "I choose to be effective at (fill in the blank)." My guess is the 'fill in the blank' will change over time. I would expect it to, as one grows and needs change. That's okay.

But for January, I will choose something. It may be a way of being, a feeling, perhaps even desiring to be a certain way with a certain person. Going off of my last post, it could even be, "I choose to be effective at waking each day full of faith." I am not worried about how to accomplish the goal. Just having the thought will lead me to desired core feelings (Danielle LaPorte) and the actions necessary to get there. "What is in the room with me?" Ah, what feeling and actions today will demonstrate my faith in God, my faith in my fellow man, my faith in myself? Keep it simple. Remember habits of being need time. They are flexible. They are suited to the individual.

And they can change us. Ah, just think what an adventure that would be.