Today

Today was a better day. Sheesh. So I got done what I could while I was feeling well, like going to the store and the gym. I even postponed a few errands, as I am trying to listen to my body and my brain and my heart and not overextend myself. I'm rather proud of myself for learning to listen like that ... for giving myself permission to even listen like that.

My kids are a wonder as they adapt to our new financial and physical limitations. DS, 18, offered to mow the entire yard in a very unfair exchange of chores between him and me. (Unfair to him, I might add, but he insisted.) Then, he and his older brother cooked their lunch today and then .... drumroll ... cleaned the entire kitchen without being asked, including unloading the dishwasher. I heard them working from the other room, came into the kitchen, had my suspicions delightfully confirmed, then felt an overwhelming desire to cry. I was that touched.

They never cease to amaze me. Who raised them? ;-).

You can see why I want them to wear their helmets when they are out on their bikes and longboards. I'd like to keep them around for while.

My new reality?

Four days ago, I laughed. It was short and sweet, barely more than a chuckle, but a nice gutteral sound all the same.

Then yesterday, I laughed, like, 3 times! I felt almost giddy.

Today, I do not feel like laughing. Today kinda sucks. I have a migraine and I'm deeply fatigued and the malaise of last summer is coming rushing back all over again.

David Richo defines mental health, in part, as being able to go with the flow of life, the good and the bad, and not feeling threatened by it. How do we get this kind of mental health? We practice, but usually we have to do so with the help of a therapist.

Yesterday I felt spontaneous and confident. Today, I just feel tired.

Another list :-)

List what consistently worries you each day.

Well, now that changes, according to what is going on in my life at the moment. I suppose I could worry about my kids -- and maybe I should more! -- but I have great faith in my children and in their abilities. Yes, we all struggle, and yes, they will do stupid things, just like I did. And that phenomenon won't go away just because they are adults. But my worrying won't help them become all that they can be. DD said to me the other day, "Mom, I know you like to believe the best about people because if you believe that, then they are more likely to become it." Well, someone has to see the best in us, don't they? I know I respond quite positively to that kind of demonstrated confidence.

No, right now, what worries me is my health, just a bit, and DH's health, and our financial situation. I hadn't realized how dependent we could quickly become on my income if DH didn't get enough work. I try not to worry, as I know worry won't accomplish much. I try to get up each day with faith, asking myself "What CAN I do, even with what is going on around me?" I KNOW it was the right thing for me to stop working -- had no choice, really -- and a friend of mine the other day said, "Well, if you knew stopping work was the right thing, and you are home now, then you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, right?" Her statement caught me, and I mean in a good way. I had never quite thought of my situation in that way before.

Another friend shared this quote with me: Faith is a willingness to act on incomplete information. (Yes, I know I am going on a lot of quotes lately, but hey, whatever keeps you in a good place, right?)

I'm trying to remember if I have ever had to have such great faith before. I don't think so ... I think faith is something that has come fairly easily to me in my life, or, if I didn't have faith, I could muster enough 'stick-to-it-iveness' to keep going. My darling bishop gave me a blessing last fall, when I knew I might have to stop working. He said I would blessed to hear and recognize the whisperings of the Spirit in my life. Well, the Spirit MUST be whispering because I sure as heck am NOT getting any 'loud and clear' statements to go on at this time! But I think He used my friend to whisper to me, because when she said, "You are doing what you are supposed to be doing," it did not come across as a firm declaration of truth. Instead, my soul felt comforted in this soft, soft thought.

So, besides finances, I worry about things like my sons NOT WEARING HELMETS WHEN THEY ARE ON THEIR MOTORBIKE OR LONGBOARD AND YES, I AM YELLING AT YOU BOYS RIGHT NOW!!!!

Waiting

Well, the transition continues. Whether I want it to or not, so I might as well go with it, eh?

This thing, this lovely illness that I have, which we still don't have a name for because WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT TAKES OVER 3 MONTHS TO GET IN TO SEE A SPECIALIST? Sorry, I digress.

I know there is a gift somewhere in this. I believe that with all my heart. And I'll admit, the waiting is tough. As we like to quote from the great film, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: "I want an Oompah Loompah NOW, Daddy!" That is how I have felt most of the past three months. I want to know IF and WHEN I will get better, WHEN will I be able to return to work, and then when I return, WHAT work SHOULD or even CAN I do? The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, will not let me see past today. And yes, I can hear all of you writing me a collective response, "Maybe THAT is the EXACT lesson in this for you, to live in today!"

I'll admit, I have felt quite disoriented and not myself. I think that is part of my illness, not being able to 'feel.' So, I'm going quite a bit on faith here. No, let me correct that: I am going TOTALLY on faith here.

It's all I can do.

Oh, but wait a minute. I do have a choice here. I could choose not to live in faith, I suppose. So, big pat on the back to me for that one.

And in the meantime, I came across this lovely quote from Ekchart Tolle:

Waiting is a state of mind, the usual state of mind. Presence is when you're no longer waiting for the next moment, believing that the next moment will be more fulfilling than this one.

Great Quote

Adlous Huxley wrote Brave New World. I have never read the book, but he was asked later in his career about putting out a new edition. He stewed and stewed about whether or not he should rewrite the book. After all, he had come so far as a writer since that early text. Surely it could be improved knowing what he knew now! However, he realized that revising would really not accomplish anything, and the text is still in it's original published form. Here is what he had to say about that experience:

"Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”

Yes, I am tattooing this on my heart even as I write it here ...

More on this in his own words:

"Art also has its morality, and many of the rules of this morality are the same as, or at least analogous to, the rules of ordinary ethics. Remorse, for example, is as undesirable in relation to our bad art as it is in relation to our bad behaviour. The badness should be hunted out, acknowledged and, if possible, avoided in the future. To pore over the literary shortcomings of twenty years ago, to attempt to patch a faulty work into the perfection it missed at its first execution, to spend one's middle age in trying to mend the artistic sins committed and bequeathed by that different person who was oneself in youth -- all this is surely vain and futile. And that is why this new Brave New World is the same as the old one. Its defects as a work of art are considerable; but in order to correct them I should have to rewrite the book -- and in the process of rewriting, as an older, other person, I should probably get rid not only of some of the faults of the story, but also of such merits as it originally possessed. And so, resisting the temptation to wallow in artistic remorse, I prefer to leave both well and ill alone and to think about something else."

From: http://www.wealthandwant.com/auth/Huxley.html

Update on 'validation' progress

So, I've been sick for the past month. Two weeks of flu, one week of a cold, then one week of getting over a sinus infection. Needless to say, I am very grateful for antibiotics right now.

While sick, I had time to contemplate concerning what I am posting now, but I also believe that those contemplations were just the beginning of many internal revelations and reframings I have enjoyed over the past few weeks.

My post before last was about learning to validate people - myself, my loved ones - heck, anybody I came in contact with. I'd like to update the reader on how this little experiment has been going. As Dr. Phil would say, 'How's that workin' for ya?'

Well, let me say this: learning new habits, even and perhaps especially habits of the mind and heart, is HARD. This new habit is coming rather slowly, but then, what did I expect?

It's hard to validate folks when one is stressed or anxious. And I'll be honest, I've been a bit stressed or anxious about being ill (now I am speaking of my other illness, not the flu/cold/sinus infection of the past month). So, even if nothing else stressful were going on in my life, that right there is enough to keep me anxious. See the problem here, folks?

As much as I would like to say I am improving in validating others, a lot of my insights on how to specifically do that are coming after the fact. They say experience is the best teacher? Well, 'they' ain't kidding.

I've come to realize that maybe I need to validate myself in times of peace as well as in times of anxiety or stress. Practice seems indeed what will help me develop this habit on a more consistent basis. So, I'm just going to say, "I'm proud of myself for even trying to accomplish this habit, and it's okay if it takes me awhile." There, I validated myself. Don't we all feel better? ;-)

Seriously, a few quotes and thoughts seem to be helping me in wrapping my brain around this concept of validating myself and others. I'd like to take this opportunity to share them. They are, in my view, quite simple, really. But aren't simple things so often the best?

Reframing is what many psychologists and social scientists call such a major shift in thinking. One of my 'reframing thoughts' came from my DH. He had been reading a book - I don't recall the title, and I won't go look for it now, as he said the majority of the book isn't so life altering. But, he did come across a phrase in a paragraph which really struck him. That phrase was to 'live loved.' As in, living your life as a valued and loved individual. I've been thinking a lot about this phrase. I believe this simple, two-word phrase has powerful implications. I've already begun to start my day with it, and I find it guides me in choosing healthful things to do as I contemplate what living loved would look like. As the day progresses, and as negative thoughts about myself or others creep into my brain, I repeat this phrase - 'live loved' - and I find it tenderly affecting those negative thoughts, changing them into more productive ones. At it's root, this phrase is helping me to develop and practice compassion.

Sometimes my negative thoughts come in the form of judgmental thoughts, both towards myself (no big surprise there - see above) and towards others (not such a big surprise to my husband and kids.) Mother Theresa said, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." I realize I've been giving away quite a bit of my capacity to love others because of those automatic and sometimes judgmental thoughts that pop into my brain, often unbidden, but, there they are still the same.

So, what do I replace these judgmental thoughts with? The mind is not a vacuum, and mine especially seems to crave a replacement thought to guide my subsequent actions. I believe the answer lies, in part, in demonstrating validation through expressing empathy. But I'll save this discussion for my next post.

List # ????: What always makes me laugh

Oh, this one is easy. My oldest son. He is one of the funniest people I know. I LOVE playing board games with him, or rocking out on Sing Star together (I almost always win, but he's an awfully good sport about it). He just makes these funny, funny comments, totally off the cuff. (And of course, at this moment, I can't recall one of them! I just recall laughing at them.)

He's got these lovely, deep, expressive eyes that can sparkle with humor or storm with ... whatever he is storming about inside. DH and I call him our little black raincloud when is in a frustrated or foul mood, which isn't too, too often.

He's a bit of an open book, but I think he prides himself on that, which is just fine. Not a false bone in his body, for sure.

Oh, and did I mention I love his sense of humor? Really, the guy should be on the radio.