47

"In your own life, you should take particular care with endings, for their color will forever tinge your memory of the entire relationship and your willingness to reenter it".

Martin Seligman, Authentic Happiness


I usually don't have too much trouble with getting older. Really. But I should qualify that by saying that until this year, I've had really good health, so it's been easy to say, "Getting older? Piece of cake." (Pun definitely intended.)


46 started out as usual, except, as you know, it didn't stay life as usual, and by January, I was down for the count. 3 months in bed. Not exactly fun, but I did finally get some much needed rest.

The interesting thing about 46 is that I forgot I was 46 and started telling people I was 47. Now, I have NO idea how the wrong age got into my brain, but it did, and so, for about 6 months, I told people I was 47 when I WAS NOT. Talk about losing part of your life. Then, in March, as DH and I were trying to figure out which birthday this would be for him, we discovered that I was in fact 46 and that I might even enjoy being accurate when I told people my correct age.

I must admit, I felt a little cheated. What, only six more months to enjoy being 46? I didn't get the entire year back? Oh well, stuff like that happens, just like the rock that hit my windshield the other day and put a sizeable crack across it, so S, just deal, okay?

BUT, 47 did not start off well. I had an appointment with my rheumatalogist who had ordered x-rays and then MRIs and I was off to see him that morning to get the news. The news was: possible (meaning probable) neck surgery due to cervical spinal stenosis. Hmmmm. Well, that news coupled with the fact that it was delivered on the morning of my 47th birthday, on top of the fact that this doctor does NOT have a great bedside manner, as they say, and all I could think as we ended the appointment was "I can not get out of here fast enough." My chest felt tight, I wanted to cry, and I admit to being probably the biggest wuss you have ever met. Physically, that is. Really, I have to look away when the nurse draws blood. And now, neck surgery? Are you kidding me?

I got out of the building and to my car as fast as I could. Then the floodgates opened. I'm not going to question those emotions .... whatever sadness/vulnerability/disbelief I felt had a right to be there, at least for a little while. I came home, and rested my head against DH's chest, sobbing, barely able to get out the news. And he handled me beautifully. So loving and caring and reassuring in ways I am sure I have not been when he needed it. I was grateful for that. The tide abated, and sensible thinking soon returned. Thoughts like, "You have access to great medical care," and "People have surgery like this all the time and they recover and live productive lives." (Told you I was a wuss. Of course, it didn't help that I almost died last time I tried to have minor elective surgery, but I'M SURE that wasn't coloring my thinking.)

Well, if I was going to have to have surgery, I was going in there strong, so off to the gym. And when I got home, DH had EXACTLY what I had asked for my birthday sitting on the kitchen table, along with some lovely flowers. Life was good again.

Over the past few years, I have begun to really think about what I want when the occasion calls for it. So,instead of waiting and wondering if or what I would get from my family for my 47th birthday, I told my husband to tell the kids EXACTLY what I wanted.

And what was that, you may ask? Simple: I wanted the kids to each write down two of their favorite memories with me. That was it. And they did. Well, all except my oldest, but he left a most lovely jar of chocolate covered toffees on the table, so I'm not going to complain about that. Even my youngest, who never says - let alone WRITES! - more than two sentences in one go, wrote something for me.

Then DH said, I am taking you out to dinner, so we went down the street and had salad at one of our favorite little places, then came home and watched a video and the day turned out to be a rather lovely day. So, 47 is okay and if you ever think it doesn't matter what you do for folks, whether it is their birthday or no, think again.

Oh, and I don't have to have neck surgery. Just thought I'd add that in case you were wondering ...

Today

Today was a better day. Sheesh. So I got done what I could while I was feeling well, like going to the store and the gym. I even postponed a few errands, as I am trying to listen to my body and my brain and my heart and not overextend myself. I'm rather proud of myself for learning to listen like that ... for giving myself permission to even listen like that.

My kids are a wonder as they adapt to our new financial and physical limitations. DS, 18, offered to mow the entire yard in a very unfair exchange of chores between him and me. (Unfair to him, I might add, but he insisted.) Then, he and his older brother cooked their lunch today and then .... drumroll ... cleaned the entire kitchen without being asked, including unloading the dishwasher. I heard them working from the other room, came into the kitchen, had my suspicions delightfully confirmed, then felt an overwhelming desire to cry. I was that touched.

They never cease to amaze me. Who raised them? ;-).

You can see why I want them to wear their helmets when they are out on their bikes and longboards. I'd like to keep them around for while.

My new reality?

Four days ago, I laughed. It was short and sweet, barely more than a chuckle, but a nice gutteral sound all the same.

Then yesterday, I laughed, like, 3 times! I felt almost giddy.

Today, I do not feel like laughing. Today kinda sucks. I have a migraine and I'm deeply fatigued and the malaise of last summer is coming rushing back all over again.

David Richo defines mental health, in part, as being able to go with the flow of life, the good and the bad, and not feeling threatened by it. How do we get this kind of mental health? We practice, but usually we have to do so with the help of a therapist.

Yesterday I felt spontaneous and confident. Today, I just feel tired.

Another list :-)

List what consistently worries you each day.

Well, now that changes, according to what is going on in my life at the moment. I suppose I could worry about my kids -- and maybe I should more! -- but I have great faith in my children and in their abilities. Yes, we all struggle, and yes, they will do stupid things, just like I did. And that phenomenon won't go away just because they are adults. But my worrying won't help them become all that they can be. DD said to me the other day, "Mom, I know you like to believe the best about people because if you believe that, then they are more likely to become it." Well, someone has to see the best in us, don't they? I know I respond quite positively to that kind of demonstrated confidence.

No, right now, what worries me is my health, just a bit, and DH's health, and our financial situation. I hadn't realized how dependent we could quickly become on my income if DH didn't get enough work. I try not to worry, as I know worry won't accomplish much. I try to get up each day with faith, asking myself "What CAN I do, even with what is going on around me?" I KNOW it was the right thing for me to stop working -- had no choice, really -- and a friend of mine the other day said, "Well, if you knew stopping work was the right thing, and you are home now, then you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, right?" Her statement caught me, and I mean in a good way. I had never quite thought of my situation in that way before.

Another friend shared this quote with me: Faith is a willingness to act on incomplete information. (Yes, I know I am going on a lot of quotes lately, but hey, whatever keeps you in a good place, right?)

I'm trying to remember if I have ever had to have such great faith before. I don't think so ... I think faith is something that has come fairly easily to me in my life, or, if I didn't have faith, I could muster enough 'stick-to-it-iveness' to keep going. My darling bishop gave me a blessing last fall, when I knew I might have to stop working. He said I would blessed to hear and recognize the whisperings of the Spirit in my life. Well, the Spirit MUST be whispering because I sure as heck am NOT getting any 'loud and clear' statements to go on at this time! But I think He used my friend to whisper to me, because when she said, "You are doing what you are supposed to be doing," it did not come across as a firm declaration of truth. Instead, my soul felt comforted in this soft, soft thought.

So, besides finances, I worry about things like my sons NOT WEARING HELMETS WHEN THEY ARE ON THEIR MOTORBIKE OR LONGBOARD AND YES, I AM YELLING AT YOU BOYS RIGHT NOW!!!!

Waiting

Well, the transition continues. Whether I want it to or not, so I might as well go with it, eh?

This thing, this lovely illness that I have, which we still don't have a name for because WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT TAKES OVER 3 MONTHS TO GET IN TO SEE A SPECIALIST? Sorry, I digress.

I know there is a gift somewhere in this. I believe that with all my heart. And I'll admit, the waiting is tough. As we like to quote from the great film, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: "I want an Oompah Loompah NOW, Daddy!" That is how I have felt most of the past three months. I want to know IF and WHEN I will get better, WHEN will I be able to return to work, and then when I return, WHAT work SHOULD or even CAN I do? The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, will not let me see past today. And yes, I can hear all of you writing me a collective response, "Maybe THAT is the EXACT lesson in this for you, to live in today!"

I'll admit, I have felt quite disoriented and not myself. I think that is part of my illness, not being able to 'feel.' So, I'm going quite a bit on faith here. No, let me correct that: I am going TOTALLY on faith here.

It's all I can do.

Oh, but wait a minute. I do have a choice here. I could choose not to live in faith, I suppose. So, big pat on the back to me for that one.

And in the meantime, I came across this lovely quote from Ekchart Tolle:

Waiting is a state of mind, the usual state of mind. Presence is when you're no longer waiting for the next moment, believing that the next moment will be more fulfilling than this one.

Great Quote

Adlous Huxley wrote Brave New World. I have never read the book, but he was asked later in his career about putting out a new edition. He stewed and stewed about whether or not he should rewrite the book. After all, he had come so far as a writer since that early text. Surely it could be improved knowing what he knew now! However, he realized that revising would really not accomplish anything, and the text is still in it's original published form. Here is what he had to say about that experience:

"Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”

Yes, I am tattooing this on my heart even as I write it here ...

More on this in his own words:

"Art also has its morality, and many of the rules of this morality are the same as, or at least analogous to, the rules of ordinary ethics. Remorse, for example, is as undesirable in relation to our bad art as it is in relation to our bad behaviour. The badness should be hunted out, acknowledged and, if possible, avoided in the future. To pore over the literary shortcomings of twenty years ago, to attempt to patch a faulty work into the perfection it missed at its first execution, to spend one's middle age in trying to mend the artistic sins committed and bequeathed by that different person who was oneself in youth -- all this is surely vain and futile. And that is why this new Brave New World is the same as the old one. Its defects as a work of art are considerable; but in order to correct them I should have to rewrite the book -- and in the process of rewriting, as an older, other person, I should probably get rid not only of some of the faults of the story, but also of such merits as it originally possessed. And so, resisting the temptation to wallow in artistic remorse, I prefer to leave both well and ill alone and to think about something else."

From: http://www.wealthandwant.com/auth/Huxley.html

Update on 'validation' progress

So, I've been sick for the past month. Two weeks of flu, one week of a cold, then one week of getting over a sinus infection. Needless to say, I am very grateful for antibiotics right now.

While sick, I had time to contemplate concerning what I am posting now, but I also believe that those contemplations were just the beginning of many internal revelations and reframings I have enjoyed over the past few weeks.

My post before last was about learning to validate people - myself, my loved ones - heck, anybody I came in contact with. I'd like to update the reader on how this little experiment has been going. As Dr. Phil would say, 'How's that workin' for ya?'

Well, let me say this: learning new habits, even and perhaps especially habits of the mind and heart, is HARD. This new habit is coming rather slowly, but then, what did I expect?

It's hard to validate folks when one is stressed or anxious. And I'll be honest, I've been a bit stressed or anxious about being ill (now I am speaking of my other illness, not the flu/cold/sinus infection of the past month). So, even if nothing else stressful were going on in my life, that right there is enough to keep me anxious. See the problem here, folks?

As much as I would like to say I am improving in validating others, a lot of my insights on how to specifically do that are coming after the fact. They say experience is the best teacher? Well, 'they' ain't kidding.

I've come to realize that maybe I need to validate myself in times of peace as well as in times of anxiety or stress. Practice seems indeed what will help me develop this habit on a more consistent basis. So, I'm just going to say, "I'm proud of myself for even trying to accomplish this habit, and it's okay if it takes me awhile." There, I validated myself. Don't we all feel better? ;-)

Seriously, a few quotes and thoughts seem to be helping me in wrapping my brain around this concept of validating myself and others. I'd like to take this opportunity to share them. They are, in my view, quite simple, really. But aren't simple things so often the best?

Reframing is what many psychologists and social scientists call such a major shift in thinking. One of my 'reframing thoughts' came from my DH. He had been reading a book - I don't recall the title, and I won't go look for it now, as he said the majority of the book isn't so life altering. But, he did come across a phrase in a paragraph which really struck him. That phrase was to 'live loved.' As in, living your life as a valued and loved individual. I've been thinking a lot about this phrase. I believe this simple, two-word phrase has powerful implications. I've already begun to start my day with it, and I find it guides me in choosing healthful things to do as I contemplate what living loved would look like. As the day progresses, and as negative thoughts about myself or others creep into my brain, I repeat this phrase - 'live loved' - and I find it tenderly affecting those negative thoughts, changing them into more productive ones. At it's root, this phrase is helping me to develop and practice compassion.

Sometimes my negative thoughts come in the form of judgmental thoughts, both towards myself (no big surprise there - see above) and towards others (not such a big surprise to my husband and kids.) Mother Theresa said, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." I realize I've been giving away quite a bit of my capacity to love others because of those automatic and sometimes judgmental thoughts that pop into my brain, often unbidden, but, there they are still the same.

So, what do I replace these judgmental thoughts with? The mind is not a vacuum, and mine especially seems to crave a replacement thought to guide my subsequent actions. I believe the answer lies, in part, in demonstrating validation through expressing empathy. But I'll save this discussion for my next post.

List # ????: What always makes me laugh

Oh, this one is easy. My oldest son. He is one of the funniest people I know. I LOVE playing board games with him, or rocking out on Sing Star together (I almost always win, but he's an awfully good sport about it). He just makes these funny, funny comments, totally off the cuff. (And of course, at this moment, I can't recall one of them! I just recall laughing at them.)

He's got these lovely, deep, expressive eyes that can sparkle with humor or storm with ... whatever he is storming about inside. DH and I call him our little black raincloud when is in a frustrated or foul mood, which isn't too, too often.

He's a bit of an open book, but I think he prides himself on that, which is just fine. Not a false bone in his body, for sure.

Oh, and did I mention I love his sense of humor? Really, the guy should be on the radio.

Choices

Tonight has been pleasant. Let me rephrase that, today has been pleasant. I still struggle with waking up and realizing that I do NOT have to rush through the day. I've become so used to carrying around the weight of my previous life that it's hard to believe it's changed ... at least for now. I wonder how long it will be before the ghost pains cease.

So what does a pleasant day look like? Getting up 10 minutes or so before DS needs the shower. Having time to eat a bowl of cereal with him before he leaves for school. Having time to take him his gym shorts he forgot for his yoga class 2nd period. Being able to answer a call from DD just because I CAN. Eating a good lunch while reading FB postings. Taking DS to renew his driver license and not even minding the wait in the DMV. Going to the gym with other DS. Coming home and having time to talk with a long-distance friend for an hour. Sitting down to dinner with the fam, asking DH about his day and the project he is working on. Then realizing that for the rest of the night, I can read, or write, or watch TV if I want to just because I WANT TO.

How I Feel

I think Bilbo Baggins said it best:

"I'm old ... I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to."
The Lord of the Rings

It is very difficult to know how to value myself at this time, especially when I've forgotten who my real self is. She's buried around here somewhere, and I'm sure, as I clean house, I WILL find her.

Marla Cilley, aka 'the Flylady' at flylady.net, says it took her 9 months to declutter her home. She said that nine months was like giving birth to a new person -- HER.

For today and the rest of this week ... and maybe, for now, that is enough ... one of my guides recently said to me, "I want you to remind yourself that it is not your responsibility 'to fix' other people's problems. We don't really fix anyone anyway. People fix themselves." A good reminder to trust myself and others, and not expend energy where I don't need to, that's for sure.

So, I will continue to work on getting myself better. What I'd like to expend my energy on is exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep, and getting into a routine. I find myself easily distracted and being forgetful, horrendously so! Yes, I do feel old.

No Goals for Now

Like most folks around this time of year, I've been thinking about goals lately. Actually, I'm not sure that I like the word 'goal.' It has so many negative connotations, like if I don't reach it, then somehow I have failed. Ugh!

No, actually what I am doing -- (I started to write 'trying to do,' but as we attract what we think, I am going to write as if there is no doubt I am going to accomplish it. Why not?) -- ahem, what I am doing is establishing some productive habits. My habit for January was to clean my kitchen completely every evening as soon as dinner was over, re not waiting until midnight or the next morning to even finish loading the dishwasher (like no one else ever does that, but stay with me). I want to wake up each day ready to greet the day, and a clean kitchen certainly goes a long way in aiding that mindset.

Anyhow, I am happy to report, I've done pretty well in working on this habit! I've only missed a few nights this past month, and I've also noticed I am better about keeping it clean during the day. Woohoo! I am secretly hoping my grown sons living at home will pick up on this habit as they see me doing it, but hey, I'm not holding my breath on that one. Their dishes do tend to generally make it to the kitchen sink -- okay, EVENTUALLY make it to the sink -- and for that I am grateful ;-). Hey, the dishwasher is only 12 more inches to one side! Hope springs eternal.

So, I've been thinking about what my habit for February might be. I've got lots I could focus on -- reading my scriptures everyday, making it to the gym every morning, laying out my clothes the night before, drinking more water. And those are all wonderful things that I will incorporate. But I've decided to focus on something more fundamental, and perhaps at the heart of any other habits I might wish to develop. It is based on something I read the other night:

"We value our basic package of who we are simply because we breathe. Self esteem has nothing to do with achieving or producing or even becoming. Rather it is that all encompassing sensation of feeling acceptable, capable, and most of all -- lovable, simply because we breathe. It has everything to do with accepting ourselves and appreciating who we innately are. The optimum motive of service begins by serving ourselves. We must have genuine compassion for the personality we bring with us at birth." Taylor Hartman, The Character Code

I am going to work on VALUIING MYSELF. Why? Well, apart from the obvious fact that I want to - who wouldn't? - is my firm sense that anything else I do will be meaningless or transient if I don't. Taylor goes on to say:

"Self-esteem is not just words, or even actions. It is an attitude: one that says I have worth simply because I am a human being; simply because I breathe and am alive. People with self-value, accept themselves. They don't expect."

Now, I might argue that there is a symbiotic relationship between actions and attitude. If I am feeling low, I know I can turn on music, and as certain music helps my heart sing, then it can't help but affect my attitude. But that is not the main point here. The habit I want to develop is to stop being the 'fixer,' and that includes always trying to fix MYSELF.

A wise friend, one of my guides in life, said that identity is like a house on stilts. When we remove one of the stilts, such as a role we have inhabited for quite some time, and go to replace it with something else, we can feel quite unbalanced or off-kilter until the new stilt is built, or put into place. Part of the material I am using for the new stilt is self-validation. And while I'm at it, I can work on validating others as well. Won't people around me love that! My family won't know what hit them.

I know it won't be easy. My self-critical (and other-critical) thought patterns have had 46 years of practice. THEY ARE GOOD AT IT. They won't give up without a fight. Well, neither will I. I'm going to spend a little time, perhaps 3 times a day, breathing, and with each breath, reminding myself I have value simply because I breathe. I can adore myself for no apparent reason. This is going to be good, and maybe even a bit fun. If nothing else, it will be an adventure.