Thursday, December 19, 2013

As if!

"We do not heal the past by living there; we heal the past by living fully in the present." Marianne Williamson

"There are simply two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live." Dalai Lama (supposedly)

"The impeded stream is the one that sings." Wendell Berry

Okay, it's another quote day. But aren't these good ones? One would answer that depending on where a person is in life, I suppose. Well, I am where they are good for me.

I realized something this past week. I have been grieving my illness. Not 24/7, but close to it. I forgot about it for awhile in Aruba. No physical demands there, good weather, so the body and mind were happy to cooperate and just let me feel better. Not completely myself, but just ... better.

But much of the time, even if not externally, I wear my illness like a heavy cloak, and it can be smothering. I know it's there. I resent it. I wish things were different. I see the gifts that have come to me from having it, but I also see my limitations and how my life has changed as a result of it. And I wish things were different.

Yet, "the impeded stream is the one that sings."

So, what is my song? Well, what if, as Jack Canfield says, I acted 'as if?' As if I were okay with having limitations? As if I were okay with having the illness? As if I could still do what I wanted - within reason - finding ways, asking for help, refusing to play the victim or the martyr? What if I allowed myself to enjoy life despite my illness?

What if I just let go and refused to put on that internal cloak of sadness? What if I lived fully in the present, letting go of what used to be so the present me can sing?

What if I made today, and every day, the right day to love and live? What would that look and feel like?

To remember my heart and it's desires.

Grieving. Playing the martyr or victim. All part of codependence. Am I codependent with this disease? Possibly. Can I change that? Absolutely.

I close with one more quote, this one from Danielle La Porte. "The journey has to feel the way you want the destination to feel." Each day. Feeling, being, and then some doing. Grief, you have served a valuable purpose. Thank you for your lessons.