"The aliveness in the body is an intelligent aliveness, and the wonderful thing is that when you direct attention there, it removes attention away from thinking. You cannot feel the aliveness of the inner body and think a lot, because consciousness is taken out of thinking and moves into the body. Feel that, just feel..." Eckhart Tolle

Anyone who knows me knows I like to think. A LOT. Sometimes my brain will just start spinning about a topic, issue or idea, and hey, it's quite the party up there, one which can last FOR DAYS. Some folks might term it intellectual OCD. I just like to think I am really, really smart.

But even I will admit that this thinking habit gets in the way on a regular basis. Which is why I LOVE the quote above. (It's probably also the reason I love Hawaii, because my body is sooo happy there, and when the body is happy, usually the brain follows along.)

For better or worse, I have a pretty strong mind-body connection. But not in the way described above. To my thinking, there are two ways that this mind-body connection can go. There is the dynamic listed above, one in which the mind is attuned to listening to the body, and then there is the opposite dynamic, one in which in the mind is really good at bossing the body around. I am by nature, but even more by upbringing, of the latter persuasion.

The awesome thing is that I am slowly learning to access the first dynamic. And this has been an enlightening experience, because I am learning that my body is pretty smart. For instance, when I am feeling stressed, and my habitual inclination is to push through it and keep going vs. taking care of myself, my body sends out some pretty distinct signals to me. It's actually been sending out these 'stressed out' signals for years, so I have some pretty intense muscle memory presently going on that I am dealing with, but DPT (darling physical therapist) is doing his best to retrain me in this area. Actually, DPT is fairly awesome in several aspects, and I feel he has been a real godsend.

But I digress. (Surprised, anyone?) Through some very specific exercises, I am learning to SLOW DOWN. I don't power through (most) things anymore. Every now and then something comes bursting out, but that is usually because I have withdrawn from a problem instead of trusting my heart to deal with it. And my body lets me know when this is the case. Like waking me up at 5 a.m. every morning because it knows that something needs to be dealt with, and hang it all if it is going to let me sleep through it!

Nothing to fear but fear itself

List all the activities you'd do if you weren't so afraid:

1. Learn to fly a helicopter.

2. Write a book.

3. Make a CD of my singing.

4. Audition for more plays (okay, this one is due to a lack of time, as much as a bit of fear).

I think that's about it.

Oh, a few more:

5. Move to a new house, especially in Hawaii or Australia.

6. Hike Angel's Landing more often.

Father of the Bride Revisited

Today we'd like to officially announce that DH (darling husband) is officially banned from the wedding plans for our daughter. If anyone has any questions as to why, I suggest they rent Father of the Bride Part 1 with Steven Martin. I believe that movie will pretty much explain the dynamics going on at our house right now.

Dia de los Muertos

Happy Birthday, brother. Hard to believe you would have been 51 today, but then, it's hard for me to sometimes believe I am 45! On a good day, I still feel at most 35 or so ...

It's easy to remember your birthday, given that it's the day after Halloween. But you know, I never really appreciated you while you were alive. I think I was beginning to shortly before you were taken. When the kids were small, I was always so busy with their care, and I was more than a little critical at times of all the drama in your life. But you loved me anyway.

I will always treasure the time we had in Austin. One time that especially sticks out in my mind was when we were walking to pick up the van at the shop -- it had needed new tires, I believe. You inherited 'the purple dinosaur,' and you were so excited to take it back to Florida and share it with your boys, though I don't think it lasted much longer than the drive back before it needed repairs!

The other remembrance that was and still is especially precious to me is our all night gab fest. We were staying in K's guest room, you in one twin bed, me in the other, and we stayed up until at least 2 a.m. talking and giggling like school girls. I hadn't laughed so hard in a long, long time. And we just went on and on! Good times, that one.

There are other memories of course. Every time I visit Angel's Landing, and have to stop at Scout's Look-Out because of my fear of heights, I remember that the only time I could do that hike all the way and feel brave about it was when I was with you. If you were still here, I would hike that baby again in a minute. You always made me feel safe, big brother. I hope you like it that I scattered your ashes at Scout's Look-Out. It seemed fitting, and now whenever I return, the hold of that peaceful spot will be just that much stronger for me.

You taught me a lot about loyalty. I've never seen such a devoted dad. I get to see your boys quite often, and I know you would be very, very proud of them. They are smart, good boys. But I also know they miss you. So I try to talk about you as often as I can with them, because both you and I know what it's like to grow up hungry for a connection with someone you loved, who is such a part of you, who is gone.

Happy birthday, brother. Oh, and happy halloween, too. I miss you. Love, your sis