Today, I am just writing. No great messages, no epiphanies, no trying to fix things ...
It's been a very busy week. I went straight from survival to rejuvenation, with very little disillusionment in between. Okay, there was some disillusionment, but nothing a little honesty couldn't improve.
I forget to be honest, with myself and with others. But as the dear fellow, John Astin, used to say on Night Court, I'm getting better all the time. The rejuvenation was due, in part, to the muscle relaxers darling doctor prescribed. Thank you, dear doctor.
Wedding plans continue to move forward. I can't believe said event will actually be happening -- my daugher is getting married!! -- and I think of her entering entering this new and strange land. Though to be honest, I think she'll navigate the landscape far better than I ever did. She is quick and honest, and her fiance is patient and loving. Not a bad combination.
So, tonight in between typing up my observation schedule for work and sending back comments on student assignments, I'll be making an invitation list because the wedding announcements need to go out THIS WEEK or we'll be in deep doodoo as bridal etiquette says invitations should go out 4-6 weeks before the wedding and we are cutting it awfully close.
Oh, and I made cookies Friday, which I hardly ever do anymore. But I figured the last son left at home deserved some semblance of a mother being a mom, beyond "Have you done your chores?"
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
today
Phrase said to me while I was out running errands earlier this evening:
"Challenge is good for us."
I was not in the mood for that one. But, there is nothing like a good book, and while picking up a few books at the library for DH, I picked up one for myself: Teacher Man, by Frank McCourt. I just read the prologue while sitting at our kitchen bar eating dinner. I am already hooked, and may not even need that piece of chocolate for dessert.
"Challenge is good for us."
I was not in the mood for that one. But, there is nothing like a good book, and while picking up a few books at the library for DH, I picked up one for myself: Teacher Man, by Frank McCourt. I just read the prologue while sitting at our kitchen bar eating dinner. I am already hooked, and may not even need that piece of chocolate for dessert.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
shifting
The other day nearly took it out of me. I didn't experience quite the sense of being lost I have felt in the past, but I also didn't fall asleep until 1 a.m. because my thoughts just bounced around in my head from one issue to the next. Will DS forgive me? Will DH get work? Will I ever get this house decluttered? Will DD get well? Will my students understand that I shouldn't have had so many guest speakers at the start of the semester because that didn't leave us enough time to discuss other issues important to them? And on, and on, and on ....
Not being able to fall asleep that night, I graded student work from 11:30 - 1 a.m., which probably wasn't the best method to relax, but at least I was getting something done. Maybe I should have reflected in my teaching journal instead. Maybe a brain dump rather than distraction is just what was needed. I'll have to try that next time.
Anyway, the next morning I woke up, feeling tired, feeling beaten. NO, feeling beat up. And I knew exactly who was doing most of the beating. But how to stop this incessant self chatter? I'd been doing deep breathing exercises, I'd been telling myself, "Hey, you're lovable," I'd been patting myself on the back for every little thing I got done (well, trying to ... the other voice, not necessarily louder but definitely more habitual, says, "Hey, you should have done this! And look at all you still have to do!" Blah, blah, blah ...). I was attempting all the right things except making it to the gym!
I tried to remember, how did I get better before? Lying in bed before starting the day, I attempted to remind myself that I wasn't going to snap out of this just like that. With my previous mini-breakdown, I think it was about two months before peace became more of a constant companion than misery. Could I experience that shift again? But I had to ...
Then, standing in the shower, it came. A flash of normalcy -- just for a second, but definitely there.
It came as I procrastinated just a few more minutes in the shower, reluctant to leave the pleasant cocoon of warm water enveloping me as it ran downward from my neck to my toes. I was mentally making a list of everything I had to do that day. So much to accomplish! How could I go on? I dreaded turning off the water to begin my impossible day. And then, for some reason - don't ask me why - I had the thought, "Think of your list differently." A friend of mine calls her 'to do' list her PODA -- parade of daily adventures. So, the thought came, and with it an even shorter than momentary sense of relief. Perhaps there is hope.
Not being able to fall asleep that night, I graded student work from 11:30 - 1 a.m., which probably wasn't the best method to relax, but at least I was getting something done. Maybe I should have reflected in my teaching journal instead. Maybe a brain dump rather than distraction is just what was needed. I'll have to try that next time.
Anyway, the next morning I woke up, feeling tired, feeling beaten. NO, feeling beat up. And I knew exactly who was doing most of the beating. But how to stop this incessant self chatter? I'd been doing deep breathing exercises, I'd been telling myself, "Hey, you're lovable," I'd been patting myself on the back for every little thing I got done (well, trying to ... the other voice, not necessarily louder but definitely more habitual, says, "Hey, you should have done this! And look at all you still have to do!" Blah, blah, blah ...). I was attempting all the right things except making it to the gym!
I tried to remember, how did I get better before? Lying in bed before starting the day, I attempted to remind myself that I wasn't going to snap out of this just like that. With my previous mini-breakdown, I think it was about two months before peace became more of a constant companion than misery. Could I experience that shift again? But I had to ...
Then, standing in the shower, it came. A flash of normalcy -- just for a second, but definitely there.
It came as I procrastinated just a few more minutes in the shower, reluctant to leave the pleasant cocoon of warm water enveloping me as it ran downward from my neck to my toes. I was mentally making a list of everything I had to do that day. So much to accomplish! How could I go on? I dreaded turning off the water to begin my impossible day. And then, for some reason - don't ask me why - I had the thought, "Think of your list differently." A friend of mine calls her 'to do' list her PODA -- parade of daily adventures. So, the thought came, and with it an even shorter than momentary sense of relief. Perhaps there is hope.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Shattered
If you can't guess by the title of this post, the peace is gone. At least, for now.
"It" is back. I woke up today and knew I would have to live 15 minutes at a time, just like before. Because I can't see beyond the next 15 minutes -- not what to do, or what to feel, or ...
My sense of self feels shattered, in so many pieces. I don't even know where to look to pick the pieces up, or what they even look like, much less how to put them back together.
So, I got up today, made a reasonable to-do list, and then began my day. I will admit I am strictly on auto-pilot.
Dr. Gordon, in his text Unstuck, says that symptoms like mine signal the need for a change. DUH. But what space is there for personal change when DH is about to lose his job, and DD is about to get married, and x number of students depend on me to be prepared as they continue moving toward professional licensure, and .... ?
"It" is back. I woke up today and knew I would have to live 15 minutes at a time, just like before. Because I can't see beyond the next 15 minutes -- not what to do, or what to feel, or ...
My sense of self feels shattered, in so many pieces. I don't even know where to look to pick the pieces up, or what they even look like, much less how to put them back together.
So, I got up today, made a reasonable to-do list, and then began my day. I will admit I am strictly on auto-pilot.
Dr. Gordon, in his text Unstuck, says that symptoms like mine signal the need for a change. DUH. But what space is there for personal change when DH is about to lose his job, and DD is about to get married, and x number of students depend on me to be prepared as they continue moving toward professional licensure, and .... ?
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