Today

Today was a better day. Sheesh. So I got done what I could while I was feeling well, like going to the store and the gym. I even postponed a few errands, as I am trying to listen to my body and my brain and my heart and not overextend myself. I'm rather proud of myself for learning to listen like that ... for giving myself permission to even listen like that.

My kids are a wonder as they adapt to our new financial and physical limitations. DS, 18, offered to mow the entire yard in a very unfair exchange of chores between him and me. (Unfair to him, I might add, but he insisted.) Then, he and his older brother cooked their lunch today and then .... drumroll ... cleaned the entire kitchen without being asked, including unloading the dishwasher. I heard them working from the other room, came into the kitchen, had my suspicions delightfully confirmed, then felt an overwhelming desire to cry. I was that touched.

They never cease to amaze me. Who raised them? ;-).

You can see why I want them to wear their helmets when they are out on their bikes and longboards. I'd like to keep them around for while.

My new reality?

Four days ago, I laughed. It was short and sweet, barely more than a chuckle, but a nice gutteral sound all the same.

Then yesterday, I laughed, like, 3 times! I felt almost giddy.

Today, I do not feel like laughing. Today kinda sucks. I have a migraine and I'm deeply fatigued and the malaise of last summer is coming rushing back all over again.

David Richo defines mental health, in part, as being able to go with the flow of life, the good and the bad, and not feeling threatened by it. How do we get this kind of mental health? We practice, but usually we have to do so with the help of a therapist.

Yesterday I felt spontaneous and confident. Today, I just feel tired.

Another list :-)

List what consistently worries you each day.

Well, now that changes, according to what is going on in my life at the moment. I suppose I could worry about my kids -- and maybe I should more! -- but I have great faith in my children and in their abilities. Yes, we all struggle, and yes, they will do stupid things, just like I did. And that phenomenon won't go away just because they are adults. But my worrying won't help them become all that they can be. DD said to me the other day, "Mom, I know you like to believe the best about people because if you believe that, then they are more likely to become it." Well, someone has to see the best in us, don't they? I know I respond quite positively to that kind of demonstrated confidence.

No, right now, what worries me is my health, just a bit, and DH's health, and our financial situation. I hadn't realized how dependent we could quickly become on my income if DH didn't get enough work. I try not to worry, as I know worry won't accomplish much. I try to get up each day with faith, asking myself "What CAN I do, even with what is going on around me?" I KNOW it was the right thing for me to stop working -- had no choice, really -- and a friend of mine the other day said, "Well, if you knew stopping work was the right thing, and you are home now, then you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, right?" Her statement caught me, and I mean in a good way. I had never quite thought of my situation in that way before.

Another friend shared this quote with me: Faith is a willingness to act on incomplete information. (Yes, I know I am going on a lot of quotes lately, but hey, whatever keeps you in a good place, right?)

I'm trying to remember if I have ever had to have such great faith before. I don't think so ... I think faith is something that has come fairly easily to me in my life, or, if I didn't have faith, I could muster enough 'stick-to-it-iveness' to keep going. My darling bishop gave me a blessing last fall, when I knew I might have to stop working. He said I would blessed to hear and recognize the whisperings of the Spirit in my life. Well, the Spirit MUST be whispering because I sure as heck am NOT getting any 'loud and clear' statements to go on at this time! But I think He used my friend to whisper to me, because when she said, "You are doing what you are supposed to be doing," it did not come across as a firm declaration of truth. Instead, my soul felt comforted in this soft, soft thought.

So, besides finances, I worry about things like my sons NOT WEARING HELMETS WHEN THEY ARE ON THEIR MOTORBIKE OR LONGBOARD AND YES, I AM YELLING AT YOU BOYS RIGHT NOW!!!!

Waiting

Well, the transition continues. Whether I want it to or not, so I might as well go with it, eh?

This thing, this lovely illness that I have, which we still don't have a name for because WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT TAKES OVER 3 MONTHS TO GET IN TO SEE A SPECIALIST? Sorry, I digress.

I know there is a gift somewhere in this. I believe that with all my heart. And I'll admit, the waiting is tough. As we like to quote from the great film, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: "I want an Oompah Loompah NOW, Daddy!" That is how I have felt most of the past three months. I want to know IF and WHEN I will get better, WHEN will I be able to return to work, and then when I return, WHAT work SHOULD or even CAN I do? The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, will not let me see past today. And yes, I can hear all of you writing me a collective response, "Maybe THAT is the EXACT lesson in this for you, to live in today!"

I'll admit, I have felt quite disoriented and not myself. I think that is part of my illness, not being able to 'feel.' So, I'm going quite a bit on faith here. No, let me correct that: I am going TOTALLY on faith here.

It's all I can do.

Oh, but wait a minute. I do have a choice here. I could choose not to live in faith, I suppose. So, big pat on the back to me for that one.

And in the meantime, I came across this lovely quote from Ekchart Tolle:

Waiting is a state of mind, the usual state of mind. Presence is when you're no longer waiting for the next moment, believing that the next moment will be more fulfilling than this one.