Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year

So, folks, I am still sick ... the cold turned into a sinus infection. I finally broke down this morning and went to the doctor for ANTIBIOTICS which I'm pretty sure I haven't taken in like 14 years!! Guess it was just my time.

It's been good to rest, and I've gotten lots of practice turning off the voices in my head that say "Look at all this work piling up around you."

Let's just say I haven't slept so much in a one week period since high school.

But I'm really grateful for this past year, and I thought I would list a few accomplishments/events/items of note to celebrate:

1. Christmas decorations were put away slightly more organized than the previous year.
2. A major appliance only broke once -- it was the dryer, three days ago. And it will be another two days before the part comes in to fix it, but I am CALM.
3. A big chunk of landscaping got done thanks to the generous help of a couple of neighbors who finally whipped our butts into anti-procrastination mode by their helping us.
4. The living room got painted -- practically all by ME! Took me a month, but hey, it looks darn good.
5. Got my best teaching evaluations EVER!!
6. DH got laid off, but we have done our best to be cheerful during the transition. BTW, DH, YOU ROCK!
7. Went to the temple more.
8. Finished up estate crap for two people in my family who have passed on.
9. Went to a temple open house with DD and her friends. As they say in Utah, very special.
10. Went to Mexico with DH and friends and had a blast playing in the lazy river and eating fajitas every other day.

Happy new year everyone. With love and care ...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dilemma

Hot off the press: There is a teaching position at Univ of Hawaii, Hilo, for next year. The job description is a perfect fit to my areas of expertise .... !

So, do I apply or no? I would love a change, and I'm sure teaching in another culture would inform my practice, and I'd love for my youngest son to have that experience of living there ... BUT I don't want to jeopardize my job here in SLC for when I come back. What do I do????

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Random, but true

I miss Hawaii!

Monday, November 30, 2009

"The aliveness in the body is an intelligent aliveness, and the wonderful thing is that when you direct attention there, it removes attention away from thinking. You cannot feel the aliveness of the inner body and think a lot, because consciousness is taken out of thinking and moves into the body. Feel that, just feel..." Eckhart Tolle

Anyone who knows me knows I like to think. A LOT. Sometimes my brain will just start spinning about a topic, issue or idea, and hey, it's quite the party up there, one which can last FOR DAYS. Some folks might term it intellectual OCD. I just like to think I am really, really smart.

But even I will admit that this thinking habit gets in the way on a regular basis. Which is why I LOVE the quote above. (It's probably also the reason I love Hawaii, because my body is sooo happy there, and when the body is happy, usually the brain follows along.)

For better or worse, I have a pretty strong mind-body connection. But not in the way described above. To my thinking, there are two ways that this mind-body connection can go. There is the dynamic listed above, one in which the mind is attuned to listening to the body, and then there is the opposite dynamic, one in which in the mind is really good at bossing the body around. I am by nature, but even more by upbringing, of the latter persuasion.

The awesome thing is that I am slowly learning to access the first dynamic. And this has been an enlightening experience, because I am learning that my body is pretty smart. For instance, when I am feeling stressed, and my habitual inclination is to push through it and keep going vs. taking care of myself, my body sends out some pretty distinct signals to me. It's actually been sending out these 'stressed out' signals for years, so I have some pretty intense muscle memory presently going on that I am dealing with, but DPT (darling physical therapist) is doing his best to retrain me in this area. Actually, DPT is fairly awesome in several aspects, and I feel he has been a real godsend.

But I digress. (Surprised, anyone?) Through some very specific exercises, I am learning to SLOW DOWN. I don't power through (most) things anymore. Every now and then something comes bursting out, but that is usually because I have withdrawn from a problem instead of trusting my heart to deal with it. And my body lets me know when this is the case. Like waking me up at 5 a.m. every morning because it knows that something needs to be dealt with, and hang it all if it is going to let me sleep through it!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Nothing to fear but fear itself

List all the activities you'd do if you weren't so afraid:

1. Learn to fly a helicopter.

2. Write a book.

3. Make a CD of my singing.

4. Audition for more plays (okay, this one is due to a lack of time, as much as a bit of fear).

I think that's about it.

Oh, a few more:

5. Move to a new house, especially in Hawaii or Australia.

6. Hike Angel's Landing more often.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Father of the Bride Revisited

Today we'd like to officially announce that DH (darling husband) is officially banned from the wedding plans for our daughter. If anyone has any questions as to why, I suggest they rent Father of the Bride Part 1 with Steven Martin. I believe that movie will pretty much explain the dynamics going on at our house right now.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Dia de los Muertos



Happy Birthday, brother. Hard to believe you would have been 51 today, but then, it's hard for me to sometimes believe I am 45! On a good day, I still feel at most 35 or so ...

It's easy to remember your birthday, given that it's the day after Halloween. But you know, I never really appreciated you while you were alive. I think I was beginning to shortly before you were taken. When the kids were small, I was always so busy with their care, and I was more than a little critical at times of all the drama in your life. But you loved me anyway.

I will always treasure the time we had in Austin. One time that especially sticks out in my mind was when we were walking to pick up the van at the shop -- it had needed new tires, I believe. You inherited 'the purple dinosaur,' and you were so excited to take it back to Florida and share it with your boys, though I don't think it lasted much longer than the drive back before it needed repairs!

The other remembrance that was and still is especially precious to me is our all night gab fest. We were staying in K's guest room, you in one twin bed, me in the other, and we stayed up until at least 2 a.m. talking and giggling like school girls. I hadn't laughed so hard in a long, long time. And we just went on and on! Good times, that one.

There are other memories of course. Every time I visit Angel's Landing, and have to stop at Scout's Look-Out because of my fear of heights, I remember that the only time I could do that hike all the way and feel brave about it was when I was with you. If you were still here, I would hike that baby again in a minute. You always made me feel safe, big brother. I hope you like it that I scattered your ashes at Scout's Look-Out. It seemed fitting, and now whenever I return, the hold of that peaceful spot will be just that much stronger for me.

You taught me a lot about loyalty. I've never seen such a devoted dad. I get to see your boys quite often, and I know you would be very, very proud of them. They are smart, good boys. But I also know they miss you. So I try to talk about you as often as I can with them, because both you and I know what it's like to grow up hungry for a connection with someone you loved, who is such a part of you, who is gone.

Happy birthday, brother. Oh, and happy halloween, too. I miss you. Love, your sis

Friday, October 30, 2009

Payback

I sooo wanted to leave this entry up on facebook today, but out of deference to DH, I didn't. (And I completely understand his desire for privacy!) So I am posting it here:

Okay, this is TOO GOOD not to share ... Darling husband just backed up his fairly brand new car into my car on his way out of our driveway. And he has a rear-view camera and everything. I can't stop laughing about it! So glad it was him and not me ... Go Hubby!

This entry would have been especially sweet because earlier this summer, when I put the teeniest, tiniest, itsby, bitsy scratch on the bumper of said new car, DH said, "I knew something like that would happen" (implied: when I was using the car, not him). I think he also said something else to me at the time, and I quote: "But it was so preventable." Yeah, I would also make sure and get that part into the post, don't you think?

This morning, when I heard the ominous crunch outside our living room window, I went outside to survey the damage. My DH stood there, dejectedly holding the bumper of his almost brand new car in his hand. And what did I do? I hugged him.

Am I the greatest wife ever, or what?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Brrrr!!!!!

From my facebook status: Okay, I want to know who ordered the snow this morning, WHO?? Not before Halloween, folks, NOT BEFORE HALLOWEEN!!!

Seriously, I woke up this morning, saw the snow, and put on a Hawaiian print shirt (my swimsuit cover-up that I bought in Hawaii no less) as an act of rebellion. I'm wearing it ALL DAY, and maybe even tomorrow if the snow doesn't melt by then.

Monday, October 26, 2009

My almost ideal life

The last ten years are a blur. I believe I am ready to retire.

I finally got back in the pool today. It felt so good to move in the water, and I thought, "I was meant to move." I'm happy when I'm dancing, or hiking, or dancing, or going to the gym, or dancing. The only non-moving activity that even comes close to such bliss is singing. And when I do that, I'm moving my mouth, so what does that say?

So, where was I going with this? Oh, yeah, movement. I realized today while working out in the pool that it has been ten years since I retired from teaching fitness classes. And I must admit, I miss it at times. I miss the movement, the music, feeling my muscles work and stretch and all that good stuff that must set off some chemical reaction in me that I enjoy it the way I do.

I also miss having feet that work, but I'll save that for another day. (Scroll back to post regarding almost dying during bunion surgery.)

I think I'd like to retire to a country with dancing, like some place in Mexico or South America where the locals can teach me salsa and I would go swimming every day and dancing every night. Oh, and if I got to sing occasionally with the band, then that would be almost heaven to me.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I could have danced all night ...

Okay, not really, I am, after all, 45 years old ... but I did dance off and on for about three hours last night, and it was SHEER HEAVEN. I just want to say a personal thank you to all the men there at the social who stuck with the ballroom dance classes, learned the rhythms and the steps, so that I could benefit. I felt almost 19 again.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

just thinking

Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life.
Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness

I'm not sure I always recognize brokenness for what it is, but I know what it feels like. Used to be I couldn't always recognize when something in my life was out of sorts or a situation or relationship was in a broken phase. By broken, I mean when our souls are acting out of harmony with who we really are or would like to be, no matter what is going on around us. Usually I don't recognize the dissonance until the moment is over, but lately, I've been recognizing it a lot faster, sometimes even in the moment. Is this what is meant by being present? Perhaps.

It's difficult to build this kind of integrity. It means saying 'yes' to things that are life-giving in my life. One would think that is the easy part, but it takes a certain courage to acknowledge one's gifts, develop them and create opportunities to use them. It also takes discipline. But building integrity also means saying no to things or situations or even people that do not support my soul in its entirety. It's especially difficult to let go of a friendship that feeds your soul on one level, but the overall cost is too high. Something inside you suffers, and you know this, and you try to ignore it for as long as you can, but it's really doing no one any good to continue to live in such a divided state.

I pay a steep price when I live a divided life - feeling fraudulent, anxious about being found out, and depressed by the fact that I am denying my own self-hood. The people around me pay a price as well, for now they walk on ground made unstable by my dividedness. How can I affirm another's identity when I deny my own? How can I trust another's integrity when I defy my own? A fault line runs down the middle of my life, and whenever it cracks open - divorcing my words and actions from the truth I hold within - things get shaky and start to fall apart.

What does it mean to embrace the brokenness? Again, I'm still working with this one, but I think it means to look life in the face, to not run or be afraid, and then learn from it to guide oneself, and to possibly guide others. What gives me the courage to do so? Realizing I, and others, are worth it.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The end of an era

Well, as I write this, the end of an era is taking place. DS, 16,my baby, is getting his braces off.

I've gone through this process with three other children. Is it different with the baby of the family? I think most mothers would agree with me, sure, it is. I could write a bunch of stuff here about milestones and moments I remember and what it means that he is now driving and probably has a girfriend I know nothing about, and will continue to know nothing about until he is about 23 and decides it's safe for me to know some of this stuff. Yes, I could write volumes.

But I won't. Suffice it to say this is the kid that we all thought could audition for the role of Harry Potter eleven years ago and get it, British accent and all, and now he looks like a taller, more slender, younger and not quite so hairy version of Collin Ferrell.

I don't necessarily feel old given the occasion -- the varicose veins developing on my thighs already are doing that job, thank you very much -- but I do wonder, where did the time go?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

List #1: On being human

As noted in a previous entry, my son gave me a wonderful list book, titled List Your Self. This entry will be the first of hopefully many related list ideas given in that book. Here is the first one:

List all the qualities you love about being human.

Wow, talk about a big subject. Nope, we couldn't start with something simple, like, list your favorite foods, or, list three people that you could live happily without ever seeing again. I promise, this really IS the first list idea given in the book, though I should add that the list suggestions in the book do not have to be done in any order. But, I'm sure I'll address this particular list question at some point, and I do like having order in my life, so why put off the inevitable ...

First, a quality I admire in others and am working to constantly develop is the ability to laugh, to have a sense of humor. And I'm sure you can see how valuable this quality can be in our mortal journey.


But without going into all the gory details, I've actually been thinking a lot lately about being human. Specifically,what does it mean to be human in terms of our day to day interactions with others? I think it's easy to see our limitations in being human. I mean, besides the obvious, like we can't fly, there are other qualities about being human that seem rather unnecessary -- like the fact that because we are human, we eat too much. Or we are sometimes lazy. Or we hurt people's feelings. Or they hurt ours ... (This list could go on and on ... but I think you get the idea.)

Sadly, and as my family will readily attest, I am all TOO human! I recently had the occasion to apologize to someone close to me. (Okay, this is sometimes a daily occurence for me, but I digress.) I should say I had the opportunity to apologize, because I believe the thing that may frustrate me the most about being human is also the quality that allows for what I love best about being human. We all make mistakes; this is a given. But along with each mistake we make along the way, we are also given the opportunity to apologize for our mistakes. We can express sorrow, and then we can try to do better -- WE CAN CHANGE -- a very comforting aspect of being human. We can learn and grow, and not just in the way that rats in a maze learn the most direct pathway to the cheese.

Still, we all know the famous saying, "To err is human, to forgive is divine." It's food for thought that closely linked to an inevitable part of being human is such a divine attribute, that of being forgiving. I don't think this symbiotic link is an accident of the human condition. When someone near me makes a mistake -- because they are human -- then I can choose to extend forgiveness, even without an apology in place, and the healing balm is put in place which allows relationships to flourish. Through forgiveness, both individuals and relationships move forward, freed from the pain of past mistakes. It allows all of us to access our great, divine gifts and become the most complete and whole persons we can be on our way to being more like our Heavenly Father and his Son. I hate to think that by holding back forgiveness, I have made it more difficult for a person to progress. Like many, I know I have been guilty of this, but I'm working on it.

What would the world be like if we all lived by this principle of extending automatic forgiveness to those around us, for actions both large and small?

But even beyond Christian principles, giving apologies and extending forgiveness is just a nice way to live.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Southern Utah




Yes, I am a huge fan of southern Utah. I will head down there any chance I get. It seems strange, I know, especially given my penchant for the beach, ocean vistas, and water landscapes in general. So why do I so love the half of this state which is basically desert?

I'm not sure I completely know how to answer that. I know part of the attraction I have for the area, specifically, Zion National Park, lies in the creation of many happy memories there over the past 7 years or so. I have made a point of traveling down there whenever I can, with whomever I can. I find great delight in exploring the park over and over again. Then, last week, I was able to tour four additional parks with my DB and his wife -- Canyonlands, Arches, Captital Reef, and Bryce, with a half-day stop in Zion's before we headed home. Arches and Bryce, especially, did not disappoint, though I'm glad I didn't miss the sweeping, almost overwhelming landscape of Canyonlands, either.






However, I believe part of the attraction lies in the fact that the landscape of southern Utah is so vastly different from anything else I have ever known, shocking my senses into a much-needed, altered state. Basically, my brain turns off when I am there. Well, perhaps not exactly turns off, but the colors and landforms allow my thinking to somehow let go in a way that does not happen at home. And in that sense, I can turn off the many voices that call to me in my daily life and just be. Southern Utah requires nothing else of me than to look and explore at my whim. I realize I am in a a peaceful state there, the foreign having become familiar.







I'd like to learn how to transfer some of this respite in thinking into my daily life. I think another trip to southern Utah might help me get a handle on it ...

Sunday, June 28, 2009

the perfect present

So, as you can probably surmise by reading the dates on this blog, I have not been very consistent with making entries. This is largely due to two factors: first, and I believe any writer will relate to this, is my feeling a clear sense of purpose (or a lack there of) in posting here. I ask myself, Why am I writing this blog? I mean, I can see several themes as I look over my previous posts. This blog is -- and was initially started as -- a place of thinking things through, almost like therapy. But I also find myself wanting a place where I can record important events in my life, especially those that have to do with my role as wife, mother, etc .... At other times, I think it is nice just to have a place to share important advice, life lessons if you will, that I would like to leave for my posterity. Finally, I feel I'd like to use this blog as a place to think about and record spiritual insights, although I do that somewhat already in my gratitude journal ...

Then this past Mother's Day, May 2009, my DS, 22, gave me a most wonderful present, which is really funny, because I told him I didn't want a present per se. I had asked him for simply a letter or something, and he did oblige me by writing a most heartfelt epistle to me on his own blog.

But he also found me a gift at the bookstore. When he told me he had bought me a present in addition to writing the letter, I protested, to which he replied, "Mom, wait until you see this gift. It was so YOU, I just had to get it. I know you'll agree once I give it to you." Well, DS was right. He gave me a book entitled, List Yourself: Listmaking as the Way to Self-Discovery. And yes, this is probably one of the most appropriate gifts he could give me because I LOVE stuff like this! If I weren't a teacher, I would so be a librarian or work in a bookstore. I love reading biographies, autobiographies, histories, and anything that has to do with real life.

What my son did not know was that this book would provide a jumping off point for my blog! And the cool thing about these prompts is that the answers can go anywhere I want them to, fulfilling the multiple purposes I'd like to have with this blog. I am really excited to incorporate the prompts in the book into my postings here, and I invite anyone who would like to join with me to do so, perhaps on their own blog. I am greatly looking forward to this adventure!