Epiphany

Sometimes I feel really strange, writing my own thoughts to share ... it seems almost narcissistic. Yet others do it -- it's really not that different than writing an email, an editorial, or a book even.

I've wondered about this process of going inside myself, exploring some of the tensions there. On the one hand, it has been really beneficial to sort of therapize myself. On the other hand, I don't wish to over-analyze, yet thoughts will spin round and round in my head begging for release.

Yesterday I was thinking of how difficult it can be to distinguish between negative self-talk and productive self-analysis. (That last sentence just goes to illustrate how ACOA's often think - that they are not worthy of kind, healing attention - even and especially from themselves. Having grown up as victims, it is all they know, and they will even abuse themselves through negative self-talk to keep the cycle going.) Anyway, back to the 'distinguishing thoughts' thing ... I was driving along reflecting on these things, and then a scripture popped into my head, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." I didn't think too much of it -- I have often thought of that scripture beforetimes, especially in relation to learning not to be too hard on myself. But then, something else came to my mind in conjunction with loving ourselves -- the thought that Christ knows our mental anguish because of His mortal experience, and He uses that knowledge to comfort others. He not only knows our mental anguish, He knows it intimately. So if Christ is our Exemplar in all things, then it is alright for me to seek to understand my own mental anguish -- to feel it, experience it, and move beyond it.

I believe the key is to work through such anguish and not stay there ... to grow from such understanding -- as Christ did -- to turn to the Lord in all things for that understanding -- as Christ did -- to be a better person because of those trials, and then use the knowledge and empathy one gains to have more faith in God and to succor others. That is what I am to do with my anguish.

It seems to me that understanding oneself to work out the tensions and challenges is part of The Plan. Indeed, it is even a process that Christ went through to some degree, even though He didn't need to. He did that part voluntarily, so that He could help us.

It's been a year

It's hard to believe it has been a year now. Life goes on, and I don't know that I've even cried thinking that today is an anniversary of loss. Not really my style to do that. When I grieve, it hits me at the oddest times -- like practicing in church choir last Sunday. And of course, the tears come when I never have a Kleenex!

What do I miss most? Well, his wicked, wicked laugh. Wonderful grin. The roundest,firmest tummy I've ever seen on a man. And his fried green tomatoes -- I ate so many one time I literally made myself ill. But most of all, I miss seeing his name on my computer screen and reading his outrageous comments while we instant messaged each other.

All in all, today was a good day. I remember where he is, and I know he is in a good place ... laughing wickedly.