This IS Happening

What a year. And what a time we live in. I started this blog to talk about codependence (my own), and then my oldest son gave me a book called "List Yourself" and I thought that a good frame of reference. But I can be honest - sometimes I talk about deep and personal things here, sometimes I use the list book, and sometimes I just want to write. This post is in between all 3. And how ironic I can hear my husband in the background saying to his aunt, 'We'll all leave this earth with nothing,' which makes this post all the more relevant.

You see, I have spent the last hour downstairs going through a box. A box of things my mother saved. A lot of it is stuff that meant something to HER - cards from my long-divorced step-dad, ship launching announcements they would go to together (my dad and step-dad were both Navy), balls they attended at Mardi Gras in New Orleans. I remember the lavish costumes they wore. I remember going to New Orleans and watching the parades. I was too young then to be afraid of the crowds, or of strangers. So when a young man offered to lift me on his shoulders so I could see, I was grateful. I'm also sure my parents were nearby. I remember seeing people on the balcones looking down, and I remember being entranced by the romance of those architecturally pleasing balcones.

I didn't save the cards or the announcements. You see, I have a box I keep in my closet. It contains cards from my friends and children. It is full of MY memories. I feel I need to put a note in the top of it saying, 'Feel free to discard everything in here when I die.' It's not like I'm John Adams's wife.

But I do feel I want to mark the memories that have washed over me today, or the things I have learned. For example, I already knew one relative came from a difficult home life, but I came across one letter that shared details of that, and reading that made me have even more compassion for that person. I think it's true most of us are all wounded individuals in one way or another. For me, we can choose to heal from those wounds, or not.

I found another page where my mother was working with someone - maybe a counselor? - and she wrote down the things she wanted to let go of. That I saved. That I will scan. There's power in that piece of paper. There is a greater knowing of her. There are lessons to be learned. Am I stuck in the patterns she wished to be free from? A good question to consider.

Then, I came to items in the box that were about me. Old report cards, little notes from friends in jr. high and high school. Several wishing me luck as I tried out for officer of our drill team. (I didn't make it.) But the notes were super fun to read, and I was reminded of how blessed I have been to always have good friends. Then a choral evaluation. I remember that day clearly. The song I greatly enjoyed singing. That was the year before I became afraid to sing. The year I still sang soprano and everything was fun and I didn't think too much about my tone or what needed changing. It was interesting to read the comments from the judge that day. I could apply those comments to my singing today! As soon as Covid is over, I want to take voice lessons again. I only have so long before my voice will age and begin to crack a bit.

Anyway, I understand my mother saving things. And I understand her saving my things, even after I had moved and started my own family and now my kids are grown. My sons are more minimalist. DS#2 has everything he owns in his bedroom closet downstairs. DS#3 has one box downstairs, and the rest at his apartment. DS#1 left his things very neatly organized when he passed. (I remember how he could not understand how I could forget things or not take care of things on time.) But DD - I have at least 6 boxes of her things out in my garage, including a box of dolls! (I also have a box somewhere of my dolls.)

So, today has been a different part of my Covid life today. I miss going to the gym, but ours is full, and I refuse to go when it is so full. I only go out mainly to grocery shop. I try to work out at home, but our air quality is not good right now so no walking out of doors. I really hate winters here. I hope next year I am better prepared to travel to someplace warm. That is part of why I am working with decluttering. Time to get this stuff off my plate!!!