just thinking

Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life.
Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness

I'm not sure I always recognize brokenness for what it is, but I know what it feels like. Used to be I couldn't always recognize when something in my life was out of sorts or a situation or relationship was in a broken phase. By broken, I mean when our souls are acting out of harmony with who we really are or would like to be, no matter what is going on around us. Usually I don't recognize the dissonance until the moment is over, but lately, I've been recognizing it a lot faster, sometimes even in the moment. Is this what is meant by being present? Perhaps.

It's difficult to build this kind of integrity. It means saying 'yes' to things that are life-giving in my life. One would think that is the easy part, but it takes a certain courage to acknowledge one's gifts, develop them and create opportunities to use them. It also takes discipline. But building integrity also means saying no to things or situations or even people that do not support my soul in its entirety. It's especially difficult to let go of a friendship that feeds your soul on one level, but the overall cost is too high. Something inside you suffers, and you know this, and you try to ignore it for as long as you can, but it's really doing no one any good to continue to live in such a divided state.

I pay a steep price when I live a divided life - feeling fraudulent, anxious about being found out, and depressed by the fact that I am denying my own self-hood. The people around me pay a price as well, for now they walk on ground made unstable by my dividedness. How can I affirm another's identity when I deny my own? How can I trust another's integrity when I defy my own? A fault line runs down the middle of my life, and whenever it cracks open - divorcing my words and actions from the truth I hold within - things get shaky and start to fall apart.

What does it mean to embrace the brokenness? Again, I'm still working with this one, but I think it means to look life in the face, to not run or be afraid, and then learn from it to guide oneself, and to possibly guide others. What gives me the courage to do so? Realizing I, and others, are worth it.