shifting

The other day nearly took it out of me. I didn't experience quite the sense of being lost I have felt in the past, but I also didn't fall asleep until 1 a.m. because my thoughts just bounced around in my head from one issue to the next. Will DS forgive me? Will DH get work? Will I ever get this house decluttered? Will DD get well? Will my students understand that I shouldn't have had so many guest speakers at the start of the semester because that didn't leave us enough time to discuss other issues important to them? And on, and on, and on ....

Not being able to fall asleep that night, I graded student work from 11:30 - 1 a.m., which probably wasn't the best method to relax, but at least I was getting something done. Maybe I should have reflected in my teaching journal instead. Maybe a brain dump rather than distraction is just what was needed. I'll have to try that next time.

Anyway, the next morning I woke up, feeling tired, feeling beaten. NO, feeling beat up. And I knew exactly who was doing most of the beating. But how to stop this incessant self chatter? I'd been doing deep breathing exercises, I'd been telling myself, "Hey, you're lovable," I'd been patting myself on the back for every little thing I got done (well, trying to ... the other voice, not necessarily louder but definitely more habitual, says, "Hey, you should have done this! And look at all you still have to do!" Blah, blah, blah ...). I was attempting all the right things except making it to the gym!

I tried to remember, how did I get better before? Lying in bed before starting the day, I attempted to remind myself that I wasn't going to snap out of this just like that. With my previous mini-breakdown, I think it was about two months before peace became more of a constant companion than misery. Could I experience that shift again? But I had to ...

Then, standing in the shower, it came. A flash of normalcy -- just for a second, but definitely there.

It came as I procrastinated just a few more minutes in the shower, reluctant to leave the pleasant cocoon of warm water enveloping me as it ran downward from my neck to my toes. I was mentally making a list of everything I had to do that day. So much to accomplish! How could I go on? I dreaded turning off the water to begin my impossible day. And then, for some reason - don't ask me why - I had the thought, "Think of your list differently." A friend of mine calls her 'to do' list her PODA -- parade of daily adventures. So, the thought came, and with it an even shorter than momentary sense of relief. Perhaps there is hope.